Sunday bloody Sunday

Moments of quiet contemplation today. Time to ponder life’s big and important questions. Like, can I lose a few kilograms in two weeks so I can wear my new dress to see my friend play in his band? And what impression is someone who has 27 pictures of themselves on their dating profile really trying to make?

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio….. and all of it is out there on the interwebs.



Going Through Changes.

In some ways the things I am going through at the moment are like a birth, or a re-birth if you like. As much anticipation and excitement as there is there is also patience and damn hard work to struggle with. I’d like a magic wand that could wave me about 6 months into the future when the preparation will be done and I can get to the good stuff. I am a big picture kind of girl and sometimes the day-to-day details can feel a little overwhelming. Still, there is a certain satisfaction in ticking things off my list and knowing that each step I take brings me closer to where I want to be.

Things are moving along, both within myself and externally. I’ve been getting rid of so many things. Things we’ve outgrown or don’t use or that were being saved for a rainy day. Each time I pack something or put it into a bag for charity it is almost as if I can feel a weight lifting off me. Here I’ve been surrounded by all of these things, pretty things, nice things but none of them held the key to my happiness. In fact the opposite seems to be true; they were part of what was holding me back. So much of this process is about letting go, and physically letting go of so much stuff has been cathartic. My sons are getting into the spirit, letting me list things they no longer use on eBay, in hopes someone else will have some use for their stuff, with the bonus of actually earning some cash. The bonus for me is feeling us pull together and work towards a common goal. It has been awhile since I have felt that this consistently.

There is no irony lost on me; that I feel like we are pulling together and working towards a common goal in the face of going our separate ways. When I last arrived home after being away I had some lengthy discussions with Son Number One about whether he still wished to live apart from us, given he now had some idea of what that would be like. Had the separation changed his view? If anything it strengthened his resolve, and his most recent word on the matter was, philosophically, ‘I would have had to move out someday, Mum!’ This is true. Things change. C’est la vie.

What else is changing? Aside from the physical changes from continuing to eat better, exercise more, and slowly lose weight ( I say slowly because I am an impatient bugger, and my progress feels slow to me, but it is probably actually realistic) there have been some changes to how I think about things and myself. A couple of weeks ago I asked ten of my nearest and dearest to share with me how they saw me. What they thought my strengths and weaknesses were. You can imagine how thrilled they all were, but they are good friends who love me, so they indulged me. There were a few things I learned from the exercise. Aside from the obvious; that I have VERY GOOD FRIENDS. It was interesting to note the similarities to things I thought about myself, as well as the differences. It definitely gave me some direction on things I need to work on.

The other particularly enlightening conversation I had recently was with a new friend of mine, who asked if I still believed in marriage – having been married 3 times, divorced twice and widowed once. It was an interesting question for me. My experiences with marriage are no reflection on marriage, but rather on me. So, it is not so much if I still believe in marriage but rather what it meant to me then as opposed to now. What had I believed about it to begin with?  The 17-year-old me, pregnant with Daughter Number One and fresh out of Catholic Girl’s School, believed getting married was the ‘right’ thing to do. She believed she could build the type of family she’d never known. She set herself on a path of defining herself by her association to others. As someone’s wife. As someone’s mother. I believed it gave me an identity, which I’d not grown up enough to find and create for myself. That was definitely something I carried with me into my second marriage. That external and misplaced search for meaning and validation. After the rape and murder of Daughter Number One I felt as if I had been stripped of everything that defined me – motherhood, womanhood, everything. The marriage to which I had been committed for almost ten years a sham. Or if not a sham then what exactly? How do you sort the reality from the deception? I couldn’t. My third marriage, sadly, I entered into for similar reasons with regard to identity, but also with the added thought that if ANYONE was willing to take me on then I should be damn well grateful. I had no trust in my own instincts at all. I married for the third time not even three years after Daughter Number One died. To say that I was in a bad place in my life is an understatement. I do have Daughter Number Two to show for that union though, and for her I am thankful.

I no longer believe my only worth comes from being someone’s mother or wife. I am no longer seeking to define myself through someone else, their views, their happiness. I am still an all or nothing girl. If I commit to something or someone then I give my all. I can’t say that I will never marry again; I like to think I will. Hope springs eternal. It would be an interesting proposition to consider as the me I am now.  I don’t think I believe more strongly in marriage, but I definitely believe more in me. I no longer place any religious significance on marriage and I’m not sure how much significance society places on it any longer, certainly I don’t need their validation. To me it is about hope and faith and love between two people. I don’t think you need marriage for those to exist. I do think that any way people choose to signify the depth of commitment between them, their faith and love in each other, and their hope for their future, can only be a good thing.

Which is why it really makes me angry that we do not have marriage equality yet. Here I am, with a less than stellar marital history, but with the option to marry again another dozen times if I so choose, simply because I am heterosexual. One of the MOST LOVING, HEALTHIEST, COMMITTED relationships I know is between some lesbian friends of mine. Despite their house and mortgage, the fact they each contribute financially and emotionally to each other, despite their CHILDREN they lovingly raise TOGETHER their relationship is considered less than Britney Spears running off to Vegas with Jason Alexander. Please. It is embarrassing and shameful to me that Australia is trailing in this regard. Julia Gillard as Prime Minister could not be a bigger disappointment.

Times they are a-changin’ though. For me, and around me. Maybe not as fast as I’d like but changes are coming. And that’s what I know for sure.

You win some, you lose some….

I started the day with the (what has become) usual headache, and turned on the computer to find twelve views of my words!! Perhaps it is just a case of if you write it they will come, or maybe it is one person viewing my blog twelve times? Whatever, it did give me a little buzz- someone is out there!


My day was just as taxing as I’d imagined. One of the doctor’s appointments I had this morning was to find out  the results of a pap smear that I’d worked up the courage to have after three and a half years. And the results were……drum roll please!……..’technically unsatisfactory’. Which basically means they didn’t get a good enough sample to test and would I please come back in three months for another go? Isn’t that just a pain in the ……..well, you know where. I suppose it serves me right for avoiding it for so long. I do know it is stupid, and I was really proud of myself for tackling it in the spirit of my new looking after myself kick. I think Jade Goody’s death probably provided the final nudge. Anyhow, looks like I get to be proud of myself again in three months.


While I was there I also hopped on the scales and found I was a kilo and a half  HEAVIER than when I started eating less junk and exercising. Yes, it really was a cheery trip to the doctor’s. She tried to console me with the knowledge that muscle weighs more than fat and that if I have been exercising it is possible that I have been increasing my muscle bulk. Mmmmmmm. That may be theoretically so but it still felt like a big kick in the teeth, with the temptation of giving up looming large. My clothes do seem to be fitting better though, or at least I thought they were? Now I’m wondering if it is just wishful thinking? SIGH. Anyway, I haven’t been at it very long so I’ll give it a good go before I call it a day. I don’t give up easily.  


My visit to Centrelink (which is social security) would have been straight forward if not for the very bad weather we’ve been having. This meant I was not the only one going there today, and the queues were very long. Daughter Number Two takes after her mother in the patience department and was very put out by having to stand around for an enormous amount of time doing nothing. I’d like to say her shrieking helped me get served in a speedier fashion but I don’t think it did. I think it just annoyed everyone we were waiting with.


Anyway, I accomplished all I set out to do and although I literally feel like I’ve run a marathon I am thinking positively about all the exercise I have done walking all over town. I was going to tell you that I picked up some belated birthday items from the Post Office for Daughter Number Two. A dinner set with Miffy on it. Daughter Number Two is a big Miffy fan! I was going to tell you that I somehow had lost the Miffy dinner set after getting it home. That I had looked and looked but couldn’t for the life of me remember what I had done with it upon getting it home.I was going to tell you how my brain no longer functions too highly and that sometimes it is a wonder I can make it through the day. That my memory and concentration are shot to shit and the reasons why I am not in any hurry to learn how to drive any time soon.


 Thankfully Son Number One went to have his bath and found the Miffy dinner set in the children’s bathroom (don’t ask, I don’t know!) . So, all’s well that ends well, right?

It’s a beautiful day!


Phew! I made it to Saturday!! No school buses to get ready for, no appointments to keep! The skies are blue and the sun is shining- it is really a spectacular day! I’m going to try to ease into it slowly. I am a wee bit tired due to getting sucked into reading my book of the moment. It is Jodi Picoult’s new one. It was soooooo tempting to just read to the end, I am desperate to know how things work out for the characters, but I resisted. I did read an awful lot of it though.


So I am less than perky this morning. But what else is new? I am just not a morning person. I am in fine spirits though, even though I had the usual odd and interesting dreams last night. As I said it is a beautiful day!


I woke up today with thoughts of my current person of interest flitting through my head.We had an extremely pleasant phone conversation last night, as we do each night, and my warm fuzzy feelings carried over to this morning.


I read a cool quote yesterday, attributed to Julia Roberts, “The key to beauty is to always be looking at someone who loves you”.  It just rang so true to me about my current situation. He makes me feels beautiful and special and precious. I really like who I see reflected in his eyes!!


I’d like to like who I see reflected in the mirror a bit better too. I enjoy food too much to be too restrictive so I guess that means lots of exercise. I have been trying to cut down on eating things I know are bad for me but know I’m never going to be able to be totally ‘good’. A girl’s got to have a vice and food is my drug of choice! So I have to get off my not inconsequential butt and get moving. This is easier said than done, but I will keep you posted on my progress!!


So, today I weigh somewhere between 95 and 100 kilograms and I wear a size 18. I have been noticing things getting a little tighter and this makes me uncomfortable. I am not thrilled with the size I am but I have been able to live with it until now. Since noticing things getting tighter I am also noticing doing things is getting harder. Things are hard enough so something has to change!! Or someone, that I suspect may be me!!


So here we go! Let the games begin!