There are times when I cope less well. Minutes, days, months, weeks when things are just harder to bear. Like having to send photo’s of my Sons to the mother of the man who killed my daughter, because I am required to do so by Family Court order. Things just spin a little bit out of control at times like these.
My sleep suffers. I have headaches. My immune system crashes. My eczema flares. It is harder to stay in the present. I struggle to focus on day to day tasks. My mind freezes with flashbacks from the past.
I think probably it is because so much was hidden from me that now I am constantly searching and asking and checking. Although I have always had a curious nature at times like these it is hard to impossible to keep my curiousity in check. I love social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter but I do have to say they only feed my quest for information. This week has proved particularly fruitful. I found several estranged family members and cast from my past. So bizarre to see a child of a sibling who I will never meet. To see familiar faces with the realisation they belong to strangers.
In a way though it makes me feel like no-one can hide from me again. Especially not in plain sight. It also validated decisions I have made to cut people from my life for the sake of our ( mine and my children’s) well being. I did not feel regret or loss. Maybe sometimes looking back helps you to move forward?
Today is a good day for thinking outside my own particular box and looking at the bigger picture. I’m not a big news follower. It makes me sad and erodes my will to live. I am however a huge Twitter follower. The election in Iran and it’s aftermath is all over Twitter at present and it is amazing me again the power people have when we work together for the common good. Marlee Matlin posted a mind blowing video link http://bit.ly/K317G which really made me think about the atrocities committed in the name of love. Love of country, love of God, love of freedom. I guess this is part of my ‘What is love?’ quest on a global scale.
I am heartened by the tenacity of the Iranians who are speaking out. Their determination to fight for what they believe to be right and their determination to be heard. I am also buoyed by the outpouring of support they are receiving from across the planet, not just via Twitter but YouTube and Facebook ( http://www.facebook.com/groups/edit.php?members&gid=115210055140#/group.php?gid=115210055140) too. It really is power to the people, to impact their own destinies. Even in oppression and heartache and fear we have choices. It is a reminder to me that although so many horrible things happen in the world there are good things happening as well. There are things that are worth fighting for.
VIVA LA REVOLUTION!
Well, here we go! I love the Internet and have flirted with the idea of a blog for awhile. I know I love to read the thoughts and feelings of others brave enough to put themselves out there but fear on a number of levels has held me back. This week however I have been following the Twitter, Ashton Kutcher v CNN movement with interest. It has led me to thinking about how I view the connections I seek and make on the Web.
I am a Facebook fan and love Twitter too. I read a number of blog’s regularly and I’ve made a great friend shopping on Ebay. Most of the news I consume comes to me via the Web, and I use the term ‘news’ loosely, to cover current events sites, googling for further information or watching clips on YouTube. I felt a buzz that I had seen the Susan Doyle clip before the TV stations picked it up. And I was following Ashton before the race to a million! I feel at home here and while I don’t pretend to have more than a basic working knowledge I feel like I should formalise my commitment to this brave new world. So here we are! I am excited to be a part, if only a teeny one, of it all!
I am also interested in the discourse around the reality or the validity of the interactions between people on the Web. As I said I use social networking sites, I’ve tried internet dating, and I use instant messaging all to make or maintain relationships. Most of the time I am using them to enhance real life relationships but I have had relationships that started off online and spilled over into real life too, and they have been just as meaningful to me. Depending upon your definition of a relationship I also have connections on a regular basis, and of varying qualities with people I will never meet in person but who I would miss if they disappeared from my days.
Of course people can and do portray themselves falsely on the Net. My response is that people do that in real life too. I’ve heard the argument that the Web makes it easier to practise to deceive but it also makes it easier to be who your really are I think. I am not a social butterfly. I find social situations strained, awkward and painful but I find people fascinating and love to learn more about them. The Web is great for that!! I think also there is a certain intimacy about connecting with others on the Web. From my experience it breaks down barriers or maybe perceptions we have of others. I think it also breaks down barriers within ourselves, certainly my exploration of the Web has correlated strongly with my exploration of myself. So, maybe we are not just being who we are but also who we really want to be? I think that is what I have come to admire about Demi and Ashton, they are molding their own images. Or is it breaking down the images others have of them? Whichever it is they are connecting with people across the globe in a real and measurable way- whether you are counting followers on Twitter or anti-malaria nets.
From where I sit this can only be a good thing. Sure, it’s open to abuse but everything is. People communicating, connecting, coming together- I say however we do that is a good thing!!