Posts tagged ‘travel’

AND THEY CAN NEVER TEAR US APART.

For my True x

What goes up must come down. I’m definitely in a slump at the moment but also highly strung – isn’t the English language funny? I’m both of those things and also feel on edge which sounds like I’m being torn in three different directions and actually that’s fairly accurate, if not an understatement.

As wonderful as having my children together is, it is proportionally devastating to have that change again. It is hard.

When they are together it is as if they have never been apart. Sometimes they squabble and I have to remind myself that it is normal sibling behaviour, even as the anxiety rises in me because as soon as the clock starts time is running out. ‘Play nicely guys because this is all the time we have’.

But now is always all the time we have so I try not to focus on the hard stuff to come or the hard stuff that’s been. Instead I marvel at how alike they are, how in sync they are. How much they love each other.

We talked together about Daughter Number One. It made Son Number One too sad so we had to finish the conversation when he wasn’t there. It made Son Number Two sad as well so he phoned his best friend. It made Daughter Number Two sad but she said through her tears that she would rather know all she can about her sister even if it made her sad and together we read some of the things Daughter Number One’s friends had written about her after she had died. We talked about her hopes and dreams and Daughter Number Two’s understanding of her Big Sister gained poignant dimensions; that her Big Sister was a girl not much older than she is now herself, who had hopes and dreams. Followed swiftly by the cutting realisation that Daughter Number One never got to live out her dreams, or her life.

Talking about her Big Sister and sharing our memories is the only way that Daughter Number Two will know her but they are so very alike it is uncanny. Both with similar talents and passions. Both with huge open hearts.

When our time with Daughter Number Two was coming to an end this time – just for now, just until next time – we travelled the country and beat our previous record with four states in twenty four hours. Definitely taking the scenic route! Although we didn’t have time to see everything and everyone we wanted to see we did have time to connect with some very special people who are dear to us. A constant theme here is the wealth of love and support we have to draw on and how strong our family of the heart is. They are there to lift us up, to love us and our lives are so much the richer for it.

Someone speaking to my ten year old Daughter Number Two this week called Son Number Two her ‘half brother’. It was a remark meant to belittle and diminish the bond between them. Instead, it only served to belittle and diminish the speaker, and really, who even thought that was possible?

How pathetic that an adult would try to lessen for my Daughter a relationship she holds so dear. Technically speaking Daughter Number One and Daughter Number Two are ‘half sibling’s as well. Her Big Sister that she will never get to meet. She will never get to sing a duet with her Big Sister or go on adventures with her, as she does with her Brothers. She won’t ever feel her Big Sister’s arms around her, giving her one of the hugs she was renowned for. Daughter Number Two will never see for herself the ways that she and her sister are similar and the ways that they differ. So, hasn’t she lost enough, my ten year old girl? Why would anyone want to try to take any more away from her? Why do some people have to try to tear others down to build themselves up?

And I think of all the people we are privileged to have in our lives, my Daughters, my Sons and me. I think of our family of the heart who stand with us so that we know we are never alone. I feel the fierce love that surrounds us; from one end of the country to the other, across the world, through the years and, as we head towards the fifteenth anniversary of Daughter Number One’s murder, even beyond death. People who show up for us, consistently, when we need them. People who love us, even when we can’t love ourselves. People who speak my Daughter Number One’s name and remember her always. And then, I can feel pity for the person who can only define family in such limited, simplistic terms as shared genetic material. Compassion I will have to work on.

Although I feel in a bit of a slump I lean into the love that surrounds me. All the laughter and good times my children and I have shared are still with me and with them also. Even those I am apart from are always in my heart.

Safe onward travel x

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I MIGHT ONLY HAVE ONE MATCH. 

Over the last six months I have stayed in five different places but now, finally, I am somewhere that I can make my own and settle awhile. It feels good! 

I like being able to have my own things around me and to decide where things will go. Lovely and generous friends have gifted me things I may need and it has been like little mini Christmases each time something arrives. I love things, and people, that come into my life with stories! And they always come with stories! Even if you don’t know their histories you can imagine the journeys they have taken to cross paths with you. They have seen other places, been touched by other hands. 


I looked down at my hands earlier this week; at my chipped, blood red, Chanel nail polish. I thought to myself that they were an apt metaphor for my life, or for me! Imperfect but still vibrant, or something! 
There are many exciting things coming up for me and new adventures with old friends. Some of my lovely ones are coming closer to me and some I will be travelling to see. There is much for me to appreciate and more again to look forward to. When I awaken in a panic for the third night in a row and find a message from a friend on the other side of the world, their thoughtfulness is enough to soothe me, and I know I am a lucky girl! 

Wherever we are or wherever we’re from, wherever we’ve been or wherever we are heading the truth for me is this; we are all just passing through. 
Safe onward travel x 

NO MATTER WHERE I ROAM. 

  
This time next week I will be thousands of kilometres from where I am now. I am travelling to attend a wedding. As I’ve said, I adore weddings! They are full of optimism, hope, faith and love. Because this is the wedding of two people I care deeply for it is even more special to me. 

While I am away for the weekend I’ll be meeting up in person with friends I have only spoken to online – one of my very favourite things to do! Making the virtual real! I am also going to spend time with other people – and animals – that I have loved for a long time now. And two plane trips each way! I love to fly! So I have lots to look forward to.  

   
Having lots to look forward to is handy because things have been quite hard for a little while now and the next week has more Baby Daddy induced trauma, none of which I am looking forward to at all. 

If home is where the heart is then it is both a blessing and a curse that bits of my heart lie everywhere, near and far, thanks to my gypsy soul. Bits of me that remain and live on in places I have been and people I love.  Even getting on a plane feels like home because in a strange and somewhat corny way when I am flying up there above the clouds I feel closer to my Daughter Number One. 

At the end of the day we all want a place we can lay our heads. Somewhere safe, secure and warm we can relax and be ourselves. Whether that is a person or a place or just a feeling of inner peace, it is something I am still working on. 

I guess I’ll know it when I find it. 

Safe onward travel x 

  

FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD.

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Since we were without power this morning for hours and hours I have almost finished the packing. Now the power is back on I can fine tune my travel details and make some bookings. The last twenty four hours have brought numerous reminders of how tenuous and fleeting life is. I just need to stay focussed on the road ahead.

There was a facebook outage the other day that lasted just under an hour, so I believe. Apparently Tinder and Instagram went out too. What was most remarkable about that, aside from the fact the world kept turning, is that I didn’t notice. I only knew about it from the news later. Keeping busy is the way to go at the moment and I am filling my days with real life interactions. I have one friend who has deactivated her facebook account and another who has cut down her usage. I haven’t made any bold resolutions myself but practically speaking my focus has shifted. Don’t get me wrong, my love affair with the internet has not diminished; it has brought me far too many gifts for that! However, as I said, I am engaging more with the ‘real’ world and that cannot be a bad thing! I guess too much of anything isn’t healthy. I’m aiming for balance.

Safe onward travel x

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TAKE THESE BROKEN WINGS

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For all of you who have always been the wind beneath my wings, I thank you.

Safe onward travel x

LIFE IS A HIGHWAY

I’ve been packing things ready to post for The Love of my Life’s small endeavour. Things go all over the country and sometimes the world. I look at the names and addresses and get that weird feeling of recognition of all the millions of people out there, all living their lives, separate yet interwoven. Different yet familiar.

Sometimes the addresses are from places I’ve been to which invariably brings to mind faces of people I’ve known. Sometimes these are good memories, sometimes not. It is amazing how we work. How simply a scent or a song or a street name or a suburb can evoke an emotional response. How far you can travel in the blink or an eye or the turn of a phrase, across decades or oceans or kilometres. Distances that aren’t even measurable; across broken dreams, lost friendships, across the bridge between life and death. 

Today is ANZAC day here in Oz. A day that evokes memories and emotions in lots of us. My thoughts and heart are with my special friends who have served and all those like them. My thoughts and heart are with their wives and children, their parents and friends and all those who love them. 

For all the lovers, who are also fighters; safe onward travel x 

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Connected.

Daughter Number Two can sing really well. For an almost six year old she can really belt it out. She watches a lot of Barbie DVD’s with Baby Daddy. This is a man who was totally opposed to Barbie before Daughter Number Two was born. Anyway, I digress. Many of the songs she sings are from Barbie movies. She has been singing one today with the following lyrics;

I’m blind-folded on this carriage ride that they call life.
Keep trying to make it through the next turn, knuckles white and holdin’ tight.
So here I go, takin’ the curve,
but I know that I’m never alone.
I think of you, and how you never let me go.

I feel connected (connected), protected (protected), it’s like you’re standing right with me all the time.
You hear me (you hear me), you’re near me (you’re near me),
and everything else is gonna be alright.
‘Cause nothing can break this, nothing can break this, nothing can break this tie.
Connected… oooooh connected inside.

It’s not an accident, the time we spent apart.
But now we’re so close, I can always find you right here in my heart.
You’ve given me somethin’ I need, and I don’t ever want it to end.
Because of you, I know I’ve found my strength again.

I feel connected (connected), protected (protected), it’s like you’re standing right with me all the time.
You hear me (you hear me), you’re near me (you’re near me),
and everything else is gonna be alright.
‘Cause nothing can break this, nothing can break this, nothing can break this
Connected… ooooh connected inside.

Everytime that I breathe, I can feel the energy.
Reachin’ out, flowin’ through, you to me and me to you. wake or dream,
walk or stand, you are everywhere I am.
Seperate souls, unified, touching at the speed of light.

oh, yeaaaaaaaaah, oh whoa YEAH

I feel connected (connected), protected (protected), it’s like you’re standing right with me all the time.
You hear me, you’re near me,
and everything else’s gonna be alright.
connected (connected), protected (protected), it’s like you’re sitting right with me all the time.
You hear me, you’re near me,
and everything else’s gonna be alright.

‘Cause nothing can break this, nothing can break this, nothing can break this tie.

connected, connected inside, connected, connected inside, connected.

oh Yeah!

In a funny way it is comforting to me, hearing her singing those lyrics about staying connected although apart. I leave here knowing our connection has not been dimmed by distance or time. With three sleeps to go we have been talking about my going back. We have been talking about her coming to visit me. It is one of the things on my list to sort out on my return.

My choices may not make sense to anyone else but I don’t need anyone else’s approval. People say to me all of the time that they don’t know how I have made it through the last almost ten years. Truth be told, neither do I. All I know is that it has been hard work.

I got Son Number One to adulthood. He is set up with everything he needs and all that I could hope for. He told me last night that he is making friends at the day program he is attending. Son Number Two has had opportunities and experiences. He is no longer the four year old who had his world blown apart.

I’ve done the best that I could do with what I had. I am not perfect but I have done my best. It is all any of us can do, at the end of the day.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

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