Sweet dreams….

I am tired. Tired, tired, tired. This has been a long week with appointments, two visits to Nana, Daughter Number Two’s paternal grandparents in town and general day to day craziness. Just to top things off nicely for the last two days Daughter Number Two has been boycotting her daytime sleep. As she is only just two years old, and doesn’t sleep exceptionally long hours at the best of times, skipping the nap turns her into into an overtired, cranky little person. She is usually an extremely pleasant easy going child, but sleep deprivation doesn’t help anyone.


Funny I should mention sleep deprivation because last night she decided sleeping at night was overrated as well. She went to sleep at 8pm. I went to sleep around midnight. She woke up at 1am, 2.20am, 6am and we were up at 7am. Daughter Number Two does not appear to be ill, she was well fed and watered. She was warmly dressed because she routinely kicks her covers off. I have no idea what is behind the moratorium on sleep.


On the plus side I have no nightmares to report. And it is Saturday- thank goodness for that!! No school, no appointments, no visits with Baby Daddy. I have been able to slide into the day gently. Sort of slump into the day really. I have eaten a comforting breakfast with lots of carbohydrates and a chocolate chaser. I have read all my favourite blogs. I have done numerous quizzes on Facebook. And now I’m here talking to you.


 It is really cold and grey and miserable outside. It is perfect snuggling weather. Ideally I would be in bed, with a good book and the current person of interest, music playing  softly in the background, toasty warm and comfy. I would read for a little bit, have some cuddles and disappear into a few tender kisses before letting my eyes drift shut and getting washed away on a wave of peaceful sleep. I would dream of bunnies and kittens and soft laughing babies and only stir briefly as the current person of interest snuggled in closer and held me tighter.


Instead the best I can hope for is that she finally exhausts herself enough to give in and sleep today, because if I don’t get a break at halftime I’m not sure where we will be by dinner time. Daughter Number Two has hit the ground running as usual and is currently very busy peeling off all the Dora stickers Baby Daddy put on her play equipment for her yesterday. This was inevitable. I am not fighting it. I am saving my strength for the big sleep battle of 2009.



I woke up feeling anxious this morning. The current person of interest and I had a minor misunderstanding last night. That is really all it was, nothing of any substance. But I had been floating around in a bliss bubble for a few days and I guess it hurts to fall back to earth. I am frustrated with myself about this. Frustrated because I feel like Maxwell Smart in the show’s (Get Smart) credits when he is walking away and all the different doors are clanging shut behind him. Frustrated because my reactions and feelings are so out of proportion with actual events. Frustrated because I don’t want to live a life ruled by fear but it is so much damn hard work not to just curl up and hide. Frustrated that my relationships and day to day life will always be seen through a prism of past betrayal.


On the plus side Daughter Number Two slept in until 8am. OH! MY! GOD! This is a miracle and as I couldn’t force myself to sleep until nearly 2am it was much appreciated. Just fyi, for comparison, Daughter Number Two was awake the night before from 11.30pm until 3am. Obviously she was catching up on some sleep but her timing was fab. Because it is Saturday I didn’t have to be up earlier to get the boys to school. It was very good! Decent sleep equals weird dreams and nightmares for me but I am kind of resigned to that being the price I pay. I can’t say I feel completely rested but I feel human and that’s a step in the right direction!!!


Also on the plus side; I had a call yesterday from a case management service. They are coming to see me next Thursday to discuss how they can help with support for Son Number One (Epilepsy, Asperger’s Syndrome, ADHD). I am quite exited by this. Like the respite I am hoping that this will mean big quality of life improvements for us all. Now if we could just get the appointment we are waiting on for Son Number One to have an MRI then things would really be falling into place. I do feel like I am managing things better on a day to day basis. I do feel like I am making progress, however slow.


So, I’m going to keep counting my blessings, and taking one step at a time. I’ve still got a few things to unpack and organise from my Nana’s and three kids to look after, so that should keep me busy! Cuddles from Daughter Number Two help alot too!





One more river, one more river…..

I’ve been wandering around the blogosphere today and it is a little intimidating. It is also awe-inspiring. There are so many voices out there, some saying things so much better than I am. So many people and stories and lives. Maybe it doesn’t matter what I say or how I say it here, because today no one has dropped in to read it, and my biggest day yesterday was with six views!


My primary motivation was to empty out some of the things spinning around in my head, and that is certainly accomplished by writing here. And I guess however small the numbers I am connecting with others on some level, even if it is only when I follow links to their words.


Today has been a busy but mundane day. Housework and children and getting ready to lurch into the coming week. It has been chilly, I am tired, I can’t remember the last morning I awoke without the dull headache that slows me down all day. My two year old Daughter Number Two has decided she no longer needs her day time sleep. I beg to disagree as she has been cranky and tired all afternoon.


I know that I have a very busy day tomorrow and I am less than enthusiastic. I have to fit in two doctor’s appointments, one visit to my Nana, one visit to Centrelink, one visit for Daughter Number Two with her Dad, blood tests and be home at 1pm in time for Son Number One to get home from school.


I am writing this while making dinner. Predictably Daughter Number Two has fallen asleep on the lounge next to her brother. Sigh. Finally she sleeps and I have to wake her. Oh well, we are nearing the finish line of bedtime. I think tonight the children and I may be neck and neck.


Despite having to drag myself step by step through the day I still feel like I’ve accomplished some things. Nothing big, but every little bit counts.

Slip sliding away…..

I am eating a breakfast of left over crumbed steak and potato bake. It is a cool rainy morning and last night’s left overs are warm and comforting. It’s been over a week since I checked in here. I was away from home for a couple of nights but the main delay has been my inability to get a half decent night’s sleep. However, last night I did, so here I am.


It has been an interesting week. My current person of interest is staying with me for awhile. I had been feeling frustrated with the whole long distance thing. Aside from the obvious limitations I had been wondering if the feelings I was having, and also I guess that he was having, were somehow being manufactured by the situation. Was it a case of just wanting what I couldn’t have? Was the intensity of the feelings I was having solely down to the hothouse effect of trying to squeeze everything into the limited interactions available to us? I figured there was one way to find out, and that was to spend some decent time together in my everyday chaotic world.


I’m sure I’ll have more to report on this experiment, but for now I’ll just say it has been lovely for me so far.


Two nights ago I heard a particular noise coming from my little girl’s room that could only mean one thing. Sure enough I opened her door to find her covered in vomit.  I picked her up and stripped her of her sleepsuit and nappy and stood her in the hallway while I quickly rolled her bedding into a wet stinky ball and removed it from her cot. While I was doing this she did a huge wee in the middle of the hall. We have tiles, so no big drama, and at that point honestly the least of my worries. Anyway, I scooped her up and put her under a nice warm shower and headed back to her room to collect the bedclothes for washing. Unfortunately I had forgotten the Nile River of wee running down my hallway, which had turned it into a slip’n’slide. Which is what I did. Nothing like sliding along the cold tiles of your hallway at 3am in a puddle of your child’s urine, smelling like their vomit.  At this stage I began to laugh hysterically. What else could you do?


Then I got to my feet in my urine soaked nightwear, collected the vomit soaked bedding and made my way to the laundry. If there had been blood involved we would’ve hit the bodily fluid triffecta!!


I went to join little daughter number two in the shower, the first of three we would share that night. The next vomiting episode involved chunks in my hair so you can see it was a very long night and what with one thing and another- you know, life and stuff- it has taken me awhile to recover.


We are also hurtling towards the sixth anniversary of beautiful daughter number one’s death, which is never a good time of year for me. It makes me a bit foggy and prone to withdrawral. It is like this perverse countdown, which I am aware of but can’t seem to stop. A loop in my brain that says ‘This time six years ago she was still alive’, and hints that if only I did/ do something there may still be time to save her. Even when I know there is not because I know how it ends.


Like I said, an interesting week. I hope yours has been too but with less bodily fluids!

Be careful what you wish for….

I don’t remember any dreams from last night, which is good. The reason I don’t remember though is that my little almost two year old girl decided to have a pyjama party between midnight and 3am.So, that was nice. I am feeling pretty shattered today, naturally on a day when there is lots to do.


Despite this I feel calm. Not remembering any pesky nightmares probably helps with that. It is also a truly beautiful day outside. The knowledge that I have just three sleeps left until I get to spend some time with someone who makes my heart sing probably also helps.


As you know thoughts of love, what it is, what it means, are a bit of a theme with me. I just want to state for the record that I am pro gay marriage. I’m pro love in any form and I’m all for expressions of love big and small. So long as you are not hurting yourself or others I just can’t see how an expression of love can be a bad thing.


Anyhow, those are my thoughts for this morning. As I said I have a busy day ahead and thanks to last nights activities (oh, how I wish I meant that in another way!) I am running later than usual. I hope your day is a good one.