You can’t always get what you want…..


Sorry for the long time, no post. I was having major technical difficulties which seem to be resolved after a quick trip to the computer shop.


As usual things have been moving along at a cracking pace in a ‘the more things change the more they stay the same’ kind of way. The big news for this week is that Son Number One has finally received his admission booking for the MRI and other tests he has to have. This really could not have come at a better time.


Last week I was waiting a a bus stop on the edge of a highway with Son’s Number One and Two and Daughter Number Two (thankfully in her pram). Son Number One stuttered that he wasn’t feeling very well before freezing where he was sitting on the bus stop bench. His eyes were open but he was totally unresponsive and turning a greyish bluish colour. This ‘freezing’ is something that I’ve seen before in his seizures but on this occasion it lasted for 20 WHOLE MINUTES. I was starting to wonder if he would ever come back when he collapsed to the ground and started babbling incoherently as he tried to get his bearings. I had sent Son Number Two home with Daughter Number Two and the house keys so I was free to deal with Son Number One. Picture this; 70 odd kilos of 187.5cms tall Son Number One terrified out of his mind because he can’t remember where he is, who he is, who I am, freaking out as peak hour traffic with lots of big trucks roars past two metres away from us. Just for comparison, although I have a few kgs on him I am 165cms tall. I managed to get him to his feet in an unsteady fashion and tried to guide him towards home. To say this was a challenge is an understatement. Because he doesn’t know who I am he will not let me touch him. I was totally focused on getting him away from the main road. Getting him home would be good but getting him away from the highway was my priority. We made slow but steady progress. Halfway between the bus stop and the corner to turn off the highway a small dog being walked on a lead barked. Son Number One only heard a short sharp loud noise. He did not have the capacity to process the noise and it sent him into further terror as he took off running. Thankfully he ran down the sidewalk in the direction we were already heading, but it struck me that if he ran into the traffic there would be not much I could do about it. Trying to grab him only increases his fear . Anyway, we finally made it home. He took about 45 minutes to ‘come back’ to normal. I’m still recovering.


As you can see that these investigative procedures have to happen. So the appointment date should be a good thing. And it is. But it does raise some other dilemmas. I have to stay on the ward with Son Number One for all of the time he is there, day and night. Son Number Two will be perfectly fine flitting between his grandparents and his friends houses while I am away.


Daughter Number Two is a different matter. She has never ever been away from me overnight or for more than a few hours at a time. She still has a breastfeed when she wakes up in the morning and before she goes to bed at night. I am broken hearted at the thought of spending four days away from her, when she will not understand the reason for my absence at all. I spent hours last night just crying at the thought of it. I am sick of making hard choices. I am sick of never having any easy options. I truly do understand that the buck stops with me, that these are my children and my responsibility but it is hard being a single parent. And sometimes it is REALLY HARD. At the moment it is really hard, and I feel very alone.