Posts tagged ‘relationships’

THEY TRIED TO MAKE ME GO TO REHAB.ย 

It’s a beautiful day. The sun is shining but there is a cool breeze. I feel good. I am waiting in the shade until it is time for the birthday party of a very special boy. My photo of the dappled light at my feet will never do it justice. It is a glorious morning. 


There is a book I heard about somewhere. I haven’t read it but the concept was that the woman who wrote it spent a year saying ‘Yes!’ to things. I think it’s actually called that – ‘The Year of Yes’ or something. The idea is to make the most of opportunities that come your way. Anyway, it occurred to me that perhaps this year is my year of saying ‘No’. Or at least working at getting better at it. 


My psych challenged me a little while ago with the observation that most often my response to anything at all is ‘Sure’. I think his idea was to make me more thoughtful about the decisions I make. Because clearly I don’t think enough already! Ha! 

I’m a ‘why not?’ girl at heart but I do think there is something to the theory that says if you can’t give an enthusiastic and wholehearted ‘yes’ to something then it is a ‘no’. 

You cannot be everywhere at once and do everything at once. You cannot be all things to all people. You can’t always get what you want. There’s only so much of you to go around and you only have so many days left. It is necessary to make choices about where to direct your energy. In order to have the room to say ‘yes’ to some things in your life you’ll need to say ‘no’ to others. 

Every time we say yes or no to ANYTHING we have the power to change our lives. That really is some magic shit! 


Sometimes you just need the things that feed your soul. Make room for them. A laughing toddler. A much needed haircut. Tattoos and tan lines. Whether you are saying yes or saying no, let your days say something. 

Safe onward travel x 

DON’T STOP YOUR LIGHT FROM SHINING ON.ย 

For Hope, and for Chris, with love, always x 

Here’s what I know;

๐Ÿ’œ Life is short. Sometimes brutally so. However long it is, it is never long enough for the people who love us. 

๐Ÿ’œ Death isn’t only the end of a life; for those of us still living it becomes part of our lives. 

๐Ÿ’œ People mourn in different ways and it can bring out the best and the worst in us. 

๐Ÿ’œ The death of someone we love HURTS. 


๐Ÿ’œ The amount of time we spend with someone does not always equal the size of the hole they leave in our hearts. 

๐Ÿ’œ Life goes on. It just does. 

๐Ÿ’œ Some things in life are important. Some are not. One list is much longer than the other. Work out what is on your ‘Important things’ list. Prioritise. 

๐Ÿ’œ What if’s don’t change what is. 

๐Ÿ’œ Sometimes you have perfect days or perfect hours or perfect moments. Savour them. Hold onto them. 

๐Ÿ’œ Love isn’t all we need but it is what counts. It is the best we can hope to leave behind and it is how we endure. 

When All That’s Left Is Love 

By Rabbi Allen S. Maller 

When I die 

If you need to weep

Cry for someone  

Walking the street beside you.

You can love me most by letting

Hands touch hands, and Souls touch souls.

You can love me most by

Sharing your Simchas (goodness) and

Multiplying your Mitzvot (acts of kindness).

You can love me most by

Letting me live in your eyes

And not on your mind.

And when you say Kaddish for me

Remember what our

Torah teaches,

Love doesnโ€™t die People do.

So when all thatโ€™s left of me is love

Give me away.


Safe onward travel x 

ONCE I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD.ย 

A couple of nights ago Son Number Two woke me in the early hours of the morning. I had been having a nightmare that something was coming at me out of the dark and, in my dream, I had been screaming his name. He said, in real life, that he couldn’t understand what I was crying out, but that I was clearly distressed, so he woke me up. It wasn’t the first time, it will not be the last. He wakes me up and talks to me for a couple of minutes as I reorient myself and then he goes back to bed. And in the morning he gets up and goes off to school. 

Last Wednesday was Son Number Two’s eighteenth birthday. That seems incredible to me but there you have it. My beautiful Daughter Number One died when he was four years old and he has very few memories of her. Life ‘After’ is life as he knows it. I wanted his birthday to be all about him and I think, I hope, that he felt that it was. The birthday video I made to post to facebook had only one photo of him with each sibling; the rest of an increasingly good looking boy across the years. So many memories as I trawled through photos to pick the best ones. 

And I got things together and I organised his birthday dinner but by the big day I was exhausted from the effort of containing the unfairness of his big sister not being here to celebrate this milestone with him and the brutality of the knowledge that she never got to see her eighteenth birthday. Or any birthday after she turned fourteen. Each night this week brought a nightmare that didn’t really stop when I awoke. 
On his birthday Son Number Two went off to school and I attended to the last few details. I went to visit a friend and while they were sweeping outside I stood in their kitchen with music on full blast and sobbed the kind of heaving, full bodied sobs that leave you unsure if you are going to vomit and bring you literally to your knees – and they did, and they did. But before my friend came inside I had wiped off my face and regained my composure and the day wore on. 

I came home to my Son and one friend, followed by another, then another. We all got ready to go out for his birthday dinner and there were many laughs. The general consensus amongst his friends seems to be that I am cool, as parents go. But they have no idea of how hard my Son’s life has been at times. We have had some adventures though, he and I, and I guess we have both made it this far. That’s saying something in itself even if I’m not sure what that is. What I do know is that he has a solid group of friends who, like him, are loyal smart arses for the most part. But funny as fuck. 
We all prepared to go out and I sent them off to the bus stop and waited for my own lift at the top of my drive way and with their laughter travelling around the corner to me I felt the tightness in my chest and the change in my breathing as the grip I held so tightly once again started to slip. I sent an emergency text to one of my oldest, dearest friends and then my other lovely friends picked me up to go to the restaurant. 


The birthday dinner was a good night out and a jolly good time was had by all. I limped through the rest of the week and here we are, on Father’s Day. 

Once again I feel for my son and all that was stolen from him but more than that, I am so grateful. I am grateful beyond measure for the truly good men who have been in his life. The ones who came to his birthday dinner and clapped him on the back, shook his hand and hugged him goodbye. I am grateful for all of those men who have spent time with him over his life and who have cared enough to make the effort. I am thankful for the beautiful men and fathers I have the privilege of knowing, the true good guys that mean I continue to have hope. Lastly, I am grateful for my Son, who he is and who he is becoming. 

Safe onward travel x 

FIGHT SONG.

Images from the Rally for Marriage Equality, Perth, Western Australia, Australia – 25th June 2016.ย 

CAN’T SCRATCH THE SURFACE WITHOUT MOVING ME, UNDERNEATH.ย 


“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”


Robert Frost

When I feel overwhelmed I like to remember those words from Mr Frost. They are right up there with “This too shall pass” on my list of useful phrases. They are useful words to live by because they are undeniably true. They remind me that everything is temporary. “Nothing gold can stay” – see? I have an arsenal of them. 
As always perspective is key. These phrases can be useful in any situation. If it is a more challenging day they remind me that the sun will eventually set. If it is a day full of joy then I am reminded to revel in every second of it. 

The last couple of weeks have had a few challenging days. I am not yet up to full speed but thanks in no small part to those who love me I am continuing to put one foot in front of the other. I have had places to go and people to see all week and I am extremely grateful for the love and friendships I have in my life. 

There has been a lot going on this year and I know I am not where I want to be yet but I have no doubt I am getting closer every day. Part of that is putting in some boundaries for myself. Or maybe it is being willing to reinforce them – whatever. 

Last week on my way back from having lunch with a friend I stopped in at a chemist in the city to grab some headache tablets. I wasn’t functioning very highly so by the time it registered with me that the price I was being charged was double what it usually would be my money was already in the till. 
“Sorry, did you say $9.95? I’ll have to leave them then, thanks.” 
Those words actually came out of MY mouth! Instead of just going along with it, uncomfortable and unhappy, but not wanting to make a fuss – I said ‘No’. 

And the world kept turning!! More than that, I discovered a small chemist at the train station with the same product for $5! So not only did nothing bad happen because I decided to take a stand but it actually turned out better for me in the long run. Bonus! 

This experience was to stand me in good stead shortly afterwards when I received a friend request on facebook from someone who had a brief liaison with the person I spent years of my life committed to. To be clear, I wasn’t in a relationship with anyone at the specific time this liaison occurred, just still had feelings which meant that the knowledge that it had occurred was somewhat ouchy for me. Because – human! So to say the friend request caught me a little off guard would be understating it. In amongst everything else I had going on the timing wasn’t splendid either but that’s life, right? 

Although we know some of the same people – and not all of them in the biblical sense – I couldn’t really understand the motivation. So, I did what I usually do when I don’t understand something. I asked. The response came back “It’s always good to link further (smiley face emoticon)”. But do you know what dear readers? It’s not! It is not always good to link further. Especially if you are already linked in uncomfortable ways that resemble an HIV/AIDS campaign of the 1980’s. 

So, thanks, but no thanks. Because really, what are we going to talk about? Or worse! Do we never actually acknowledge the elephant in the room and play dumb for all eternity? Neither option appeals to me. Both seem like far too much hard work. Just no. Not yes out of some kind of twisted notion of politeness – although to be honest I’m not sure there is a Miss Manners guidebook for these circumstances – just NO.  

I have heard some truly horrific examples this week of boundaries being crossed, the most public of which is the Standford Rapist. They have all brought home to me the fact that there are times when you just have to draw a line and sometimes the only one you can depend on to stand up for you, is you. Sometimes you are the only one who can.

JUST DO IT. Because when you do, you might be surprised by how many stand with you. 

Safe onward travel x 

YOU AND I, WE’RE PIONEERS.ย 

  
For weeks I have been lucky enough to be staying near the ocean. One house back from the beach to be exact. It was not a luxury unappreciated; from walks along the water’s edge to listening to the waves from my bed at night it was an experience I savoured. They say all good things must come to an end though and so it goes that three nights ago was my last night at the beach house. 

I lay in bed in the early hours of the morning listening to the sound of the waves rolling in; the ocean kissing the shore. I found myself thinking about all the places I have lived. That is a lot of places, lovely people. Lots of different houses both during my childhood and as an adult. On my last night in the beach house I lay there and let the anxiety of the unknown wash over me. I felt the sadness of leaving the beach, with the acknowledgement that being there had soothed my soul. But the new day dawned, as they always do and my time at the beach house came to an end. 

So many things have happened over the last couple of months. 2016 has been a huge year and we are not even a third of the way into it. I woke this morning to the news Prince had died and felt the metaphorical sands shift, once again, under my feet. So much change. So much happening. Throughout it all I am lucky to have good people in my life. Friends who have travelled far with me and those who have just connected. I am blessed to have known great kindness and I feel a deep responsibility to keep paying that kindness forward. 

  
Someone thanked me this week, for checking in with them during a difficult time and for being happy for them when their situation resolved. It was someone I don’t know very well but the reality is that it cost me nothing. Two emails and a few kind words. Just before Easter a young guy asked if I had any change. He had planned to walk home but it looked like rain and he didn’t want the fluffy bunny rabbit he had bought to get wet. I only had a dollar in change but I gave him the dollar and his face lit up like a Christmas tree as he thanked me profusely. When the time came for him to get off the bus he said ‘Hey, thanks again’ but I felt like he’d brightened my day so we broke about even in my book. 

I offered to take some photos for a friend of mine and she invited me to her son’s first birthday party to take a few snaps of the big event. My friend and her gorgeous boy were the only two people at the party I had met before and as more and more guests wandered in I could feel my chest tighten as my social anxiety reared it’s ugly head. I took my camera from it’s case and felt the weight of it in my hands and the memories associated with it. It was the first time I had used it in weeks and it felt good to be doing something I loved. Especially at such a happy celebration. Earlier this week my friend contacted me to tell me how much she loved the photos and, just like that, my investment of time and effort was repayed ten fold. 

  
Just be kind to each other. That is all we have to do to make the world a better place. In my life and in the last few weeks I have known huge kindnesses. Letting people be kind to you gives them something too. It’s a win-win, really. It doesn’t have to be a huge gesture. A smile in an elevator can change someone’s day. A five minute phone call can change someone’s life. Sometimes you will never know the difference you made. Sometimes there is no acknowledgement. Sometimes there’s just the warm glow inside from knowing you did a good thing. And that is more than enough. 

Just be kind to each other. Fight the good fight, one act of kindness at a time. 

Safe onward travel x 

  

WE COULD BE IMMORTALS, JUST NOT FOR LONG.

My day so far has hadย a certain syncronicity. If I was the kind of person that believed in signs – and I am – then I might be looking for meaning. But then I am also a person who very much believes that if we seek we shall find, so pay attention to what you are looking for.

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I posted the above picture last night on facebook and woke this morning to find two very impassioned comments from a friend in disagreement. This is one of the beautiful things about friendship,the capacity to disagree while maintaining the integrity of the relationship. For me the picture spoke of perception and perspective and of choice and free will, which to me equates to freedom. As I replied to my friend not every devil we dance with or demon we battle is external or even literal. I like that the woman is blindfolded but she knows anyway. Who’s zoomin’ who?

Another friend who posted the poop emoji last night, this morning explained that her account was hacked by her daughter who thought she was being funny. Actually I found it a profound statement and commentary on our times; you can post any old shit on facebook and people will respond to it.

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Also on my newsfeed this morning was a screenshot a friend had taken of an exchange she had on Pinterest with someone who objected to her use of profanity. To me the answer is simple; if it offends, stop looking. But there the complainant was, looking at this account, not liking it and suggesting someone else’s creative endeavour should be moulded to suit their own specific requirements. The response was infinitely classy and observed that they clearly were not meant for each other. Quite.

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As I said in this postย once you put your energy out there into the Universe, or the Interwebs which is kind of the same thing, it takes on a life of it’s own. You cannot control how people will receive what you give them. It’s the ‘lead a horse to water’ thing. And by this stage in my life – THANK GOODNESS – I’ve worked out that that is perfectly ok. That all I can do is the best I can do and that the only person I can control is me. Not that I was ever big into controlling others, but being responsible for them? Well, that’s a whole other story! But I’m not. I am responsible for me. I take responsibility for me. And I always give my best. So, if that is ever not good enough for anyone else, well, that’s on them. I’ll keep doing my own thing – living, laughing, loving – and giving thanks for those of you that enjoy the ride with me. You guys are the best!

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Safe onward travel x

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