Posts tagged ‘relationship’

A PLACE WHERE EVEN IF THERE’S NO CLOSURE, I’M STILL SAFE.

Well, hello 2018! It’s been full on so far!

Today would have been the 18th birthday celebration of a beautiful girl, if she was still here with us to enjoy it. Instead we remember her and are grateful for the bitter sweetness of it all, because that is all we have. Today also marks ten months since another much loved soul left us and how time keeps marching on is a little bit beyond me but it does and here we are. Today is also the birthday of one of my very best friends, a glorious being who has borne excellent children and who has known me now for much of my life but who loves me still. All of the people and all of their stories on all of their days. And the days keep on coming, one after the other. So, hold onto the good ones; the good people, the good memories, the good days.

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On Monday, Son Number One flew into town to spend the week with us. Daughter Number Two, Son Number Two and I were all at the airport to meet him. It is indescribably joyful to have my three living children together in my home. They bounce off each other with wise cracks and having the luxury of time together is blissful!

Because I never like to do things by halves Monday night, after we had said goodnight to Son Number One and he’d gone back to his accomodation, the rest of us got ready to attend a Very Special Wedding. We were honoured to be invited to one of the very first same sex marriages solemnised in Australia. We headed into the city to be there for the ceremony which concluded as soon as it was possible, just after midnight. It felt momentous and incredible to be a part of history but mostly it felt exquisitely beautiful to be a part of such LOVE. I watched the ceremony with tears in my eyes and warmth in my heart. Such a profoundly happy event.

Daughter Number Two hasn’t been with us to any rallies or marches. She wasn’t here with us to celebrate Pride. So she was beyond excited and thrilled to be able to attend this wedding with us. Even though it is summer and the weather is very warm, the midnight wedding meant Daughter Number Two was able to wear a special jacket that belonged to her big sister. I put it on her and rolled the sleeves only once and said to her that it was almost like her big sister hugging her. Almost. Then I watched her skip through the city, in my first born’s jacket, beside one of her brothers, on the day her eldest brother came to visit. As close as I can ever get to having all my children together.

It’s been a big week. Tomorrow we are having some friends over. Surrounding ourselves with people who love us and who we love. I highly recommend it! Because that’s the stuff you hang on to.

Safe onward travel x

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I MIGHT ONLY HAVE ONE MATCH. 

Over the last six months I have stayed in five different places but now, finally, I am somewhere that I can make my own and settle awhile. It feels good! 

I like being able to have my own things around me and to decide where things will go. Lovely and generous friends have gifted me things I may need and it has been like little mini Christmases each time something arrives. I love things, and people, that come into my life with stories! And they always come with stories! Even if you don’t know their histories you can imagine the journeys they have taken to cross paths with you. They have seen other places, been touched by other hands. 


I looked down at my hands earlier this week; at my chipped, blood red, Chanel nail polish. I thought to myself that they were an apt metaphor for my life, or for me! Imperfect but still vibrant, or something! 
There are many exciting things coming up for me and new adventures with old friends. Some of my lovely ones are coming closer to me and some I will be travelling to see. There is much for me to appreciate and more again to look forward to. When I awaken in a panic for the third night in a row and find a message from a friend on the other side of the world, their thoughtfulness is enough to soothe me, and I know I am a lucky girl! 

Wherever we are or wherever we’re from, wherever we’ve been or wherever we are heading the truth for me is this; we are all just passing through. 
Safe onward travel x 

Excommunicated. 

  

(For the beautiful Miss S., and all of us who are trying to find our way.) 

EXCOMMUNICATED 

Remember when your name was a prayer on my lips?

I screamed it in ecstasy

I cried it in despair.

I whispered it hopefully in the dead of night. 

Remember when my prayers were answered because there was you and I believed? 

Remember when your body was the temple I worshipped at?

Your thoughts were the the scripture I committed to my memory and learnt off by heart.

All your rituals and all your ways.

The infinitesimal things that made you so much more than the sum of your parts. 

You were my religion, the one true path to paradise and my heart sang, full of hymns to you. 

I kept the faith. 

Who knew that the baptism of fire would come at the end? 

Now I hope that like a pheonix I will be reborn.

Find within a sanctuary, be my own refuge.

Because all I have left to believe in is me.

But I haven’t practised in a while. 

  

I’LL TELL YOU MY SINS AND YOU CAN SHARPEN YOUR KNIFE.

Happy Valentine’s Day! I’ve spent it with Daughter Number Two. I hope you’ve spent it with someone you love.

Today I’ve seen teenage couples walking together, the girls clutching single long stemmed roses I’ve read beautiful Valentine’s messages shared on facebook. My favourite thing about Valentine’s Day is the feeling that the whole world is celebrating love.

And you know that can’t be bad.

For all the Lovers:

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DO YOU NEED ANYBODY?

As I said in my last post, I am not going to be the one who tells you it’s going to be easy. Because it won’t. Sometimes it will be a night so hot that your clothes stick to your skin and the heat presses down on you like a weight. Sometimes you will be looking for that funny picture you saved on your phone for a friend and you’ll come across a photo of a boy, peacefully asleep in his bed on Christmas night and it will hurt so much to see it that you literally cannot breathe. Sometimes the pain will be so overwhelming you will cry yourself to sleep, the tears burning like acid down your cheeks.

Then the morning will come (even though the mourning is still there) and you will pick yourself up, slowly, and dust yourself off, slowly, and keep on living. If you are lucky, like me, you will have the most gorgeous friends beside you. The ones who hold you close in their hearts and give you a safe place to rest. If you are that lucky then you will count your blessings even while your heart aches. Because what else can you do?

My Young Friend was going to bed the other night and said, as he often does, ‘Love you Kate!’. I responded in kind and he asked ‘Getting sick of hearing it?’ And I said ‘No’ and asked him back ‘Getting sick of saying it?’ And he smiled and said ‘Never going to happen!’.

Which is what I’m counting on x

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HERE I STAND.

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I have an app on my phone called ‘Timehop’. It sorts through your social media activity over the years and shows you what you were up to on this date a year ago or three years ago or seven years ago. I find it fascinating! Lately however, it’s offerings have just served to make me a little sad. Today was different. Today it was like getting a message from myself! And from this very blog!

Today Timehop informed me that three years ago I posted this poem:

let it go

let it go – the
smashed word broken
open vow or
the oath cracked length
wise – let it go it
was sworn to
go

let them go – the
truthful liars and
the false fair friends
and the boths and
neithers – you must let them go they
were born
to go

let all go – the
big small middling
tall bigger really
the biggest and all
things – let all go
dear

so comes love

~ e. e. cummings ~

Thanks me! I needed that. It’s such a great poem! Say it out loud! The timing was perfect as I spent today sorting and packing. Letting go, letting go. I had a lovely phone conversation with one of my beautiful friends and managed to be quite productive. There are things I will carry with me and things that I will leave behind but each ending is a new beginning. And love is what remains.

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For the one who showed me what true love really looks like; Frankie, you and Deano will always hold a special place in my heart x

Safe onward travel x

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HEY, I GOT A LOT OF FAITH IN YOU!

Someone said to me recently “Life happens and fucks us up”. This is undeniably true, on some level, for us all. Some of us have bigger challenges to face, for sure, but never the less none of us gets out of life unscathed. We all get buffeted by the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Even so, we still have choices.

I was talking to My Young Friend’s Lovely Fiancée the other day about my plans and focusing my energy in a forward direction. I had prefaced my statements with ‘As much as I love hanging out with you guys….’. The Lovely Fiancée responded with ‘I get it. You can’t live off other people’s happiness. You want some happiness of your own!’ And that is it, in a nutshell. I want some happiness of my own. It is no more than I deserve. So, I am going to go and find it.

For a long time I have been aware of the need to be consciously open to life’s possibilities and what I’ve learnt lately has done nothing to dissuade me from that view. I read an enormously interesting article the other day that suggested it is possible to fall in love with anyone. It sounds ridiculous but once you read the article and the theory that prompted it, it makes sense. Basically because it is about that very thing; a willingness to be open to the possibility followed by a willingness to put in the effort. That’s a sure recipe for success whatever your goal! I think that you’d not want to try this with anyone you weren’t remotely attracted to on some level anyway. I also think that the thirty six questions give you a fair chance of seeing if it has potential. Chances are, if you can’t commit to thirty six questions and feel comfortable with your partner’s answers then they probably are not the one for you. Similarly, if you cannot look at them for four minutes straight looking at them for the rest of your life is going to be too big an ask.

Think of the potential! Not just for new mates but for reconnecting with current significant others. Because I think those questions, even if you think you’ve heard all their stories before, would be just as potent, perhaps more so, for the retelling. The opportunity to discover new things about each other and look at each other through fresh eyes!

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Here’s the thing; life is full of potential. Only if we do something about it can we realise that potential. I’m all about the realisation! For me, like the 1980’s t-shirt, I choose life. I choose love. I choose laughter. There has been lots of ugly stuff happening on my own doorstep and worldwide lately. It’s not that I don’t acknowledge it, I just choose to find a way forward.

“The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.”

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening – Robert Frost.

I was putting on my jewellery today after my shower and realised I had absent-mindedly put one ring on the wrong finger.  As I moved it I looked down at another ring I bought for myself the other day, inscribed with the words “Love, Hope, Friendship Forever”. That’s what it’s all about, for me.

Safe onward travel x

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