So, we went to check out a high school for Son Number Two today. The ‘we’ being Son Number Two, myself and The One That I Love. And, you guys, the school was AH-MAY-ZING! It is a private school and impressive to say the least. They have a massive auditorium/ theatre which literally took my breath away. There’s not much I wouldn’t have given to have those kind of facilities and this kind of opportunity when I was in high school. Daughter Number One also would have loved it – but she did have the opportunity of a selective school and as many courses to foster her talent that I could find and pay for, and she made the most of all of them. Son Number Two has a trust fund arising from compensation from his sister’s death. The trust will foot the bill for the private school. It is not something I’d be able to afford without it. It is bittersweet but I am trying to focus on the good for Son Number Two.
And that was definitely my focus this morning; what an amazing opportunity for Son Number Two. The school is clean and spacious and with state of the art facilities and sea views from the science labs. It has a very structured disciplinary code and only 3 classes in Year 7. Further validation that the decision to come here was the right one. Sitting beside The One I Love listening to the headmaster speak; I’m not sure that I have the words to describe how much that meant to me. To know someone has my back. To feel that support and have such evidence of it on a daily basis; it is almost more than I know what to do with. A couple of posts ago I was posturing about needing something more tangible but clearly I am a fool. I’m not sure how much more tangible you can get. The time and energy and thought spent. IT BLOWS MY MIND.
If ever I feel a bit shakey then it’s fear getting the better of me. If all the crap stuff has felt real to me then surely I can let the good stuff feel real too? I am in a good place. I need to let myself be.
It has been an absolutely gorgeous day today. It was warm and sunny but with a lovely cool breeze that has been gently caressing my skin all day. Just perfect really. I feel good. The events of the day have been usual, with a mix of positive and not so much but I feel good at my core. Calm and peaceful.
There is still alot to do with three kids, my Nana, a Baby Daddy and Christmas is steam rolling downhill towards me but despite all that I feel like everything is ok. Like everything will be ok. That I will be ok. More than ok really. I have been in survival mode for so long but more and more I am making time to stop and just enjoy where I am now. To appreciate the things in my life and myself that are positive.
I’m sure I’ve said things like this before, but something feels different this time. I feel different. I feel like I’m back in the driver’s seat of my life. I have no doubt that there will be more tough days to come, life is like that, but I hope I can hang on to this feeling of peace and savour it.
In an effort to give thanks for the positive forces already at work in my life and to bring more good things my way – Behold! the following affirmations:
My children are safe, healthy and happy.
I honour my Daughter Number One’s memory in every way possible each day.
I am healthy and strong in mind, body and spirit.
Each day I grow (…but not physically!) and learn.
I am in a relationship with someone who is open to exploring the potential within themselves, between us and of life.
I deserve someone who will give me the best of themselves.
I explore my outside interests, like photography.
I am prioritising my own needs.
I am living a life that leaves me at peace.
I am living in a calm, comfortable, home that I can easily afford.
I am planning a holiday somewhere beautiful and warm.
I know that I deserve love and I accept it now.
Ok, they sound good for a start!
My gorgeous daughter number two is two years old today! She sings, dances, she is funny, opinionated, and kind. She is beautiful and clever and I am so very very blessed to have her in my life. She is her own person more and more and not a baby any longer.
Her determination and strength of will have been noticeable from birth. She arrived exactly a month before her due date- which was pretty accurate as I knew when I’d conceived. I only had one hour and fifteen minutes of contractions before she flew out. She still knows how to make an entrance! She has brought so much joy to so many people, she is a magical child, a true gift.
Daughter number two has no concept that today is a special day for her, but she has greeted the day with her usual joie de vivre. It is a trait she shares with her elder sister. Although the weather is grey with storms forecast the outlook is good for fun and chocolate cake!!
I have pulled myself up and dusted myself off from yesterday. Before the day was out I had managed to get out of my pyjamas and go for a walk in the bracing wind. I quite like the wind. I find it exhilarating. It literally blows any cobwebs away.I love the feeling of my hair streaming out behind me like ribbons on a kite. It makes me feel alive!!
I also connected with my current person of interest which helped as well. He emanates calm. He is an oasis of peace in the chaos of my world. It is a very attractive quality of which he has many.
My Nana is settling in her new home well and although I had very vivid dreams there were no nightmares that I remember from last night. Although I am still a bit shaky I am still standing. Today is a good day!