I was traveling home with some groceries last night, on dusk. As the car I was traveling in slowed to turn into the street I know by heart, it lit up the street sign and I smiled. How many times have I written that name? Before I knew this street. After. How can a simple street name mean so much? But it does. Last night I looked at the illuminated street sign and felt myself relax. All roads lead to Rome.
I remember the first time I saw that sign. Illuminated by headlights that night as well, but much later in the evening. Nearing midnight and so windy. The weather cold. And I’d come such a long way, with my little Daughter Number Two, and travelled for a long time – all of my life, really. I saw that street sign and knew that my journey was almost at an end. I was equal parts relief and anxiety.
In truth, with hindsight, I knew nothing. For if I had I’d have known the journey was just beginning.
There are times when I cope less well. Minutes, days, months, weeks when things are just harder to bear. Like having to send photo’s of my Sons to the mother of the man who killed my daughter, because I am required to do so by Family Court order. Things just spin a little bit out of control at times like these.
My sleep suffers. I have headaches. My immune system crashes. My eczema flares. It is harder to stay in the present. I struggle to focus on day to day tasks. My mind freezes with flashbacks from the past.
I think probably it is because so much was hidden from me that now I am constantly searching and asking and checking. Although I have always had a curious nature at times like these it is hard to impossible to keep my curiousity in check. I love social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter but I do have to say they only feed my quest for information. This week has proved particularly fruitful. I found several estranged family members and cast from my past. So bizarre to see a child of a sibling who I will never meet. To see familiar faces with the realisation they belong to strangers.
In a way though it makes me feel like no-one can hide from me again. Especially not in plain sight. It also validated decisions I have made to cut people from my life for the sake of our ( mine and my children’s) well being. I did not feel regret or loss. Maybe sometimes looking back helps you to move forward?