Posts tagged ‘pain’

DON’T STOP YOUR LIGHT FROM SHINING ON. 

For Hope, and for Chris, with love, always x 

Here’s what I know;

💜 Life is short. Sometimes brutally so. However long it is, it is never long enough for the people who love us. 

💜 Death isn’t only the end of a life; for those of us still living it becomes part of our lives. 

💜 People mourn in different ways and it can bring out the best and the worst in us. 

💜 The death of someone we love HURTS. 


💜 The amount of time we spend with someone does not always equal the size of the hole they leave in our hearts. 

💜 Life goes on. It just does. 

💜 Some things in life are important. Some are not. One list is much longer than the other. Work out what is on your ‘Important things’ list. Prioritise. 

💜 What if’s don’t change what is. 

💜 Sometimes you have perfect days or perfect hours or perfect moments. Savour them. Hold onto them. 

💜 Love isn’t all we need but it is what counts. It is the best we can hope to leave behind and it is how we endure. 

When All That’s Left Is Love 

By Rabbi Allen S. Maller 

When I die 

If you need to weep

Cry for someone  

Walking the street beside you.

You can love me most by letting

Hands touch hands, and Souls touch souls.

You can love me most by

Sharing your Simchas (goodness) and

Multiplying your Mitzvot (acts of kindness).

You can love me most by

Letting me live in your eyes

And not on your mind.

And when you say Kaddish for me

Remember what our

Torah teaches,

Love doesn’t die People do.

So when all that’s left of me is love

Give me away.


Safe onward travel x 

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DO YOU NEED ANYBODY?

As I said in my last post, I am not going to be the one who tells you it’s going to be easy. Because it won’t. Sometimes it will be a night so hot that your clothes stick to your skin and the heat presses down on you like a weight. Sometimes you will be looking for that funny picture you saved on your phone for a friend and you’ll come across a photo of a boy, peacefully asleep in his bed on Christmas night and it will hurt so much to see it that you literally cannot breathe. Sometimes the pain will be so overwhelming you will cry yourself to sleep, the tears burning like acid down your cheeks.

Then the morning will come (even though the mourning is still there) and you will pick yourself up, slowly, and dust yourself off, slowly, and keep on living. If you are lucky, like me, you will have the most gorgeous friends beside you. The ones who hold you close in their hearts and give you a safe place to rest. If you are that lucky then you will count your blessings even while your heart aches. Because what else can you do?

My Young Friend was going to bed the other night and said, as he often does, ‘Love you Kate!’. I responded in kind and he asked ‘Getting sick of hearing it?’ And I said ‘No’ and asked him back ‘Getting sick of saying it?’ And he smiled and said ‘Never going to happen!’.

Which is what I’m counting on x

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BABY COME BACK, ANY KIND OF FOOL COULD SEE THERE WAS SOMETHING IN EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.

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That’s What All the People Say. (For Matt and Chris, with love x)

Ah, life! You sadistic, sucker punching bastard! You’re riding high in April, shot down in May. Or you know, ok on Tuesday and over it by Wednesday. 

Bittersweet is something I am overly familiar with. Son Number Two is doing a musical this year, Little Shop of Horrors. It’s the same musical that his Sister did the year she died. He’s in the chorus. She was in the chorus. He’s in year 9. She was in year 9. He’s older than she ever was. He’s still here. She’s not. Not in the ways I wish she was.

Still, that’s life. That’s my life anyway and life for too many like me.

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When we went to see his Sister in Little Shop of Horrors Son Number Two was absolutely petrified of the giant plant. We went backstage to see his sister and he was beside himself! He was so very little then. Shortly after that his whole world exploded. What I wouldn’t give for that little boy to have been able to live a bit longer before he had to find out that monsters are not just make believe. Take him back to a time where all he had nightmares about were papier mâché plants and a hug from his big Sister made everything ok. 

Son Number Two is going to his first rehearsal today. I hope he has a blast. 

And now over to one of my favourite philosophers who says it far better than I ever could. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you- Eminem:

“Beautiful”

[Intro:]
Lately I’ve been hard to reach, I’ve been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world where they can be alone
Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me, like I’m reaching out for you?

I’m just so fuckin’ depressed, I just can’t seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump,
I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick the mic back up
I don’t know how or why or when I ended up in this position I’m in
I’m starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick this pen
Up and try to make an attempt to vent
But I just can’t admit
Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet, and I know some shit’s so hard to swallow
But I just can’t sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow
But I know one fact I’ll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow
I’ll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you’d have to walk a thousand miles

[Chorus:]
In my shoes, just to see
What it’s like, to be me
I’ll be you, let’s trade shoes
Just to see what it’d be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other’s minds
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other’s eyes
But don’t let ’em say you ain’t beautiful, oh
They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you
So don’t let ’em say you ain’t beautiful
Oh, they can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you, yeah, so…

I think I’m starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room
Just as soon as I walk in
It’s like all eyes on me
So I try to avoid any eye contact
’cause if I do that then it opens the door for conversation
Like I want that… I’m not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom
I don’t need no fucking man servant
Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of them ain’t even funny like
“Ha!, Marshall you’re so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn”
Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don’t you all sit down?
Listen to the tale I’m about to tell
Hell, we don’t gotta trade our shoes
And you ain’t gotta walk no thousand miles

[Chorus]

But don’t let ’em say you ain’t beautiful
Oh they can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you so
Don’t let ’em say you ain’t beautiful
Oh they can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you so

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we’re dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don’t expect no help
Now I could have either just
Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I’m placed in
And get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
Who sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in
In every single place
Every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid

Aunt Edna always told me “Keep makin’ that face it’ll get stuck like that”
Meanwhile I’m just standin’ there
Holdin’ my tongue tryna talk like this
‘Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then cause I wasn’t tryna impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
’cause where you see it from where you’re sitting
It’s probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each other’s shoes, at least
What size you wear? I wear tens
Let’s see if you can fit your feet

[Chorus]

[Outro:]
Lately I’ve been hard to reach, I’ve been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world where they can be alone…
So are you calling me, are you trying to get through, oh?
Are you reaching out for me, like I’m reaching out for you?
So oh oh

Yeah… To my babies. Stay strong.
Daddy will be home soon
And to the rest of the world, god gave you the shoes
That fit you, so put ’em on and wear ’em
And be yourself, man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny,
Don’t ever let anyone tell you, you ain’t beautiful, so…

 
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Remember friends,
 
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Travel safe x 

 

Little things.

The other week I was speaking to someone who uttered the oft heard words ‘But I can’t complain, given what you’ve been through’. Mmmmm. That phrase ranks as highly for me as ‘Oh, you’re so strong!’ It’s just wrong. My pain does not negate anyone elses. I’m not competitive about it. If there was a competition for who has the most grief it’s not one I’d want to win anyhow, thanks. What I’ve been through does not detract in any way from what you’re going through. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt  in the last eight and three-quarter years it’s that everyone has their own cross to bear, and comparison is pointless. I want people to be able to speak freely to me. If anyone is thinking that others shouldn’t be allowed to express their pain to me in deference to my own it isn’t me. I don’t judge. I just listen.

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Small mercies; the things you cling to.

After my Daughter Number One died the police gave me back her wallet. She had it with her, and the car was incinerated but it had apparently been thrown clear upon impact and picked up by someone who handed it to police. It sounds so trivial, but getting her wallet was like a gift to me. Her Winnie The Pooh velcro wallet, with photo’s of her with her best friend, her student card from the school she loved. Knowing that she had had it with her, maybe even been holding it, in the last moments of her life. Being able to hold it in my hands. It was like a gift. With everything I lost that day, it was nice to get something back, however small.

As ripped off as I feel, and as unfair as it is to not have had her longer my overwhelming emotion is one of gratitude. I am grateful for having known her at all.

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