Some days I exhaust myself! Some nights too for that matter. My mind shifts into overdrive and keeps tick tick ticking away. I have gone back and added tags to my posts. If I’m on the right track these should make it easier for people to find my posts if they are searching for particular subjects. We shall see.
Speaking of searching, in my ongoing quest for meaning I have been spending time this week thinking of names and labels. What do they mean? Do they define us? There are a couple of reasons for my thoughts on this subject. One reason is that I received a copy of my divorce papers in the mail. This means that the legality now reflects the reality and I am no longer anyone’s wife.
The other reason is that I had been frustrated over not knowing how to refer to my current person of interest. ‘Current person of interest’ works here- well, it does for me!- but in other situations it is kind of unweildy. So, what to use? Lover? True enough but possibly too much information in some circumstances. Friend? Absolutely but more than that too.
I discussed this with the current person of interest and he first said I could call him whatever I liked. So then I asked what I was to him. Ha! He found it difficult too. We decided on boyfriend which makes me feel kind of adolescent. This is not a bad thing. My thoughts didn’t stop there though. My current person of interest said that it did not matter what we called each other, it did not change how he felt. He is a very wise man. I know he is right.
It concerns me that labelling things may produce expectations or limitations, and I don’t want either. It has been a very organic relationship that has evolved from my current person of interest being my ex-husband’s best friend, the best man at my wedding, to my good friend, to my lover. Given the complexities of my life I hope that the relationship keeps evolving, as I do. Even though I don’t want limitations or expectations my constant need to question and check means that definitions are important to me. What does it all mean??
Overnight I recalled a conversation I had a long time ago with a very very dear friend, who had once been my lover. He had referred to me as his ex-girlfriend. I protested that I was his friend more than I was his ex-girlfriend. I was certainly his friend for longer. Maybe I just didn’t want our relationship to be defined by what was no more but rather what was.
Maybe that is what I am looking for now? Something that reflects the situation as it is. Not as it might be, or was. We are definitely friends. That is the core, solid and strong, of our relationship. We are definitely lovers. Mmmm, back to where I started!! Perhaps the difficulty lies with me? I’m sure it makes it harder to define someones relationship to you if you are still discovering your own identity.
Maybe I am just me, and he is just he, and we are just we. And maybe that is enough.