Posts tagged ‘moving on’

I MIGHT ONLY HAVE ONE MATCH. 

Over the last six months I have stayed in five different places but now, finally, I am somewhere that I can make my own and settle awhile. It feels good! 

I like being able to have my own things around me and to decide where things will go. Lovely and generous friends have gifted me things I may need and it has been like little mini Christmases each time something arrives. I love things, and people, that come into my life with stories! And they always come with stories! Even if you don’t know their histories you can imagine the journeys they have taken to cross paths with you. They have seen other places, been touched by other hands. 


I looked down at my hands earlier this week; at my chipped, blood red, Chanel nail polish. I thought to myself that they were an apt metaphor for my life, or for me! Imperfect but still vibrant, or something! 
There are many exciting things coming up for me and new adventures with old friends. Some of my lovely ones are coming closer to me and some I will be travelling to see. There is much for me to appreciate and more again to look forward to. When I awaken in a panic for the third night in a row and find a message from a friend on the other side of the world, their thoughtfulness is enough to soothe me, and I know I am a lucky girl! 

Wherever we are or wherever we’re from, wherever we’ve been or wherever we are heading the truth for me is this; we are all just passing through. 
Safe onward travel x 

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CARRY ME ON THE WAVES.

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The other night I was talking to a friend who had relocated for love. It hadn’t worked out the way that they had hoped because sometimes things don’t. I fervently believe that it is better to know than to wonder. As a general rule I don’t do things by halves. If something is worth doing it it worth doing fully and I throw myself into things, heart and soul. Even if things don’t work out the way you’d hoped there are always opportunities for learning and growth. You can never go back anyway, only forwards, so what use are regrets? Carry the good things with you and move on.

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For a while now Son Number Two has been telling me about a place he visited with My Young Friend and his Lovely Fiancée, extolling the virtues and the photographic potential of the vibrant turquoise water. The catch was that it would be a 4WD trip to get there. Monday was Australia Day here which meant the young people had the day off work. They asked me to come along for the ride and, this time, I agreed. It was, indeed, an amazingly beautiful place. The whole day was quite triggering for me for very many dull reasons but I allowed myself to breathe through it and soak up the beauty. When we first arrived I noted that the place had the same name as another stunningly beautiful place where I have spent many happy times with Daughter Number One. It is where my favourite photo of her was taken. To be honest, if I’d known this place had the same name I’m not sure I would have agreed to go. Since I was there already I just had to deal. And I did. Staying present in the moment. Go me! Carry the good things with you and move on.maya_angelou_love

Each day is the first day of the rest of your life! If you don’t like where you are then move on. You can only work with what you’ve got but if that’s not enough to work with then go and find yourself more. I’d be the last one to tell you it’s easy but one thing I know for sure? It’s possible! Live, laugh, love. Life is short.

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Safe onward travel lovelies x

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A Rose by any other Name?

What is in a name? Good question William my friend. Sometimes a lot I think. Getting letters addressed to and being referred to as ‘Mrs. X’ has long since lost it’s appeal. I am not married to Baby Daddy anymore, yet I still have his surname and it jars me when I am referred to as Mrs. Baby Daddy. So, what to do? Well, the answer seems obvious really – change it. But to what?

I have no attachment to my maiden name, and I haven’t used it since I was seventeen. Mrs. Incredible Hunk would suit me fine but since that’s unlikely I am forced to look for inspiration elsewhere. My dear friend Matty opened the question on his facebook page yesterday, which gave me the idea to open it up to the world wide web.
So, friends and strangers, what say you?

Please leave a comment if you’ve any suggestions. Thanks in advance 🙂

The long and winding road.

 I need to pull myself back together a little bit after a week of downhill slide and self medicating with food. So, it’s count my blessings time. Of course I am blessed by my children and so grateful for them, but I’ll not talk about them now, it’s been a long week and I’m hurting still. I’m blessed with my friends who walk by my side down the road less travelled. But they are a post for another day. Instead I’ll talk about the blessing of finally, finally, finding a safe place to land. And though I read her post after I started writing this, I’ll dedicate this one to Lori, because ‘hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things’ – and she should hold onto it.

I changed my relationship status on facebook yesterday. That is to say I acknowledged my relationship status on facebook, after a long while of not having it up there at all. I’ve never really felt the need to advertise either way, but for me it was truly about acknowledgement. I’m in a good place at the moment, due in no small part to the company I am keeping. And to not say that I’m in a relationship, to not acknowledge that significant part of my life, something that gives me such happiness, it just seemed wrong. And you know, as I’ve said above, my dear friends who walk beside me in this life – they walk beside me through all the crappy stuff. Shouldn’t they get to share in the good stuff too? Facebook for me has always been about connecting with my friends and I share photo’s and music and mostly everything else – save for what I share with you here dear reader! – so it became more of a why not? And I had no good answer. The simple fact is being with The Man I Am In Love With makes me very happy. And I’m proud to be with him, to walk at his side. It’s not something I want to hide, being the open book I am.

So up it went. “Kate is in a relationship”. In actuality Kate could not be more ‘in’ than she is, but there are many times on this part of the journey that I have to mentally pinch myself so I can almost believe it is real. Some of my incredulity I think, is because I have loved him for a long while now, and so wanted to be here whenever we were apart –  that to be here, with him, is still somewhat surreal. And some of it, I know, comes from the fact that he is so fucking amazing! This last week alone has given me multiple opportunities to think ‘Holy fuck! I’m actually with him! He’s really something. Really, really something!’ And the fact he’s amazing isn’t a recent relevation; it is those two things thought together – he is amazing and I’m with him. It blows my mind.

The night of the day that would have been my Daughter Number One’s 23rd birthday ended with The Man I Am In Love With walking inside and saying to me “I’m off to bed. You coming?” I hesitated and said “I’ll be in in a bit”. “Why?” “Because I just need to fall a part a little bit first” “Why?” “Because today would have been her 23rd birthday!” “Well, all the more reason to come to bed then, isn’t it? You aren’t alone, are you? Are you?

Kate is in a relationship.

Edenland's Fresh Horses Brigade Post script: I’ve linked this into Edenland’s FRESH HORSES – this week she asks “What’s your own personal sign that things will be ok? That you’re safe, in the world. That something or someone has your back.” The Man I Am In Love With has my back and my home with him is my sanctuary.

Breaking up is hard to do.

The curl of your lips in a constant sneer

Your too tight embrace as you pull me near

Tears on my pillow beside you at night

Sapping my will ’til I’m too weak to fight

The smirk in your voice as you speak my name

I’m a joke, I’m your toy, I’m a freak, it’s a game

You want everything as it has been before

But, Fear, I’m just not your girl anymore.

 

Step back in time.

I’m linking to Edenland’s FRESH HORSES  today.

I can not be in two places at once. That has been the theme of the week for me. Things are exceeding expectations for Son Number Two and me in our new home. Things are good. To be here, though, means to be apart from two of my children. It is not easy.

I spoke to Daughter Number Two early in the week and for a change we had a good chat. At four and a half getting her to speak to me on the phone can sometimes be a challenge. Sometimes it just doesn’t happen at all. So, a nice long chat is a bit of a novelty. Since Baby Daddy says he has no access to internet at present and since I’ve had not one photo of Daughter Number Two in the months she has lived with him the telephone provides my only real access to her. She was telling me about things she’d been doing, about a music box she got for Christmas, chatting and laughing away and it hit me like a sledge-hammer, how much I missed her. I barely managed to still my sobs until she said goodbye, and by the time Baby Daddy came back on the line I was a complete mess. I cannot be in two places at once.

My Nana had a fall at her nursing home that required a few days hospital treatment. It felt horrible to have the early morning missed call on my phone and return it to hear she was in hospital. Thankfully after a few days she was released, but she had no visitors and love came from a distance. My Nana, I have no doubt, would not want me to have remained where I was only out of obligation to her. The Nana I knew and loved would have encouraged me to live my life. It was hard to say goodbye to her knowing that it may be the last time I ever hug her. When she had the fall I felt guilty and useless being so far away. I cannot be in two places at once.

I am looking towards going to see Son Number One and Daughter Number Two in the next few months. And Nana and my friends as well. I miss them so much, but the thought of going back there fills me with dread. The last few times I went back there from here, without exaggeration, almost killed me. I know it will be different, to be visiting, and to have home to come to but still I feel uneasy. I am good here. I am safe and I am happy and my days are full of laughter. I am a me here that I can live with and I don’t want to go back to who I was. I miss my children, my Nana and my friends but I don’t want to leave here and go there. I cannot be in two places at once. 

Each day I struggle with the default settings of fear and sadness. I don’t miss my Daughter Number One or the two children who live apart from me, or my Nana or friends, any less, but the happiness I feel gets eroded by sadness and fear. I can’t keep stepping into my future with one foot still in the quicksand of my past, sucking me down. It is not about forgetting but it is about letting go. Not of good memories and love, but of the pain and patterns that kept me stuck for so long. Every step I have taken has led me here, and here is a good place to be. I need to let myself be here, where I need to be.  I cannot be in two places at once.  

 

Papa Don’t Preach.

I had been putting off discussing my future plans in any detailed or specific way with my Father and Stepmother because I thought that my Father would be the hardest sell of anyone I needed to discuss my plans with. I was being a scaredy Kate. So, I decided it was time to bite the bullet, take the bull by the horns, gird my loins, suck it up and lay it on the line. I cooked roast lamb for Sunday lunch and invited them over.

I know that I am forty years old and that my life is my own but my Father and I are not close. We never have been. It’s not that we don’t get on, we are just very different people. He is old school. He is of the opinion that if I’d just give the boys a good belting that’d sort them out. I cannot speak to him about Daughter Number One because ‘that is in the past’ (I am not discounting or insensitive to his own grief here). I have no doubt of his love for me, we are just very different people. My Father was in and out of my childhood. My parents divorced when I was about four. My Mother would move house without telling him sometimes. He’s getting on a bit now and has some health issues that have flared up recently and he and my Stepmother have some things going on with her kids as well. All of which combined made me reticent to lay everything on them sooner.

The time had come. Lunch was eaten, the sponge cake my Stepmother had brought had been served, tea was made, the children had left the table. I said what I had to say. My Father expressed some concerns but really I could not have hoped for a better response if I’d scripted it myself. Things are falling into place for me. Every time something does there’s still a little part of me that is incredulous. Things have been so hard for a very long time. That is what feels familiar. Each time  I step out of the uncomfortable comfort zone I feel more weight lift off me. In a couple of weeks I’ll be looking at schools for Son Number Two and showing him around the place we are going to live. Daughter Number Two is excited for the trip because she’s been before, but I’m especially looking forward to showing Son Number Two around because it will be his first taste of what our future will look like. The three of us getting to spend some quality time together isn’t to be sneezed at either.

On our way back we’ll be stopping in to visit with my highschool friends and their new, much longed for baby. Two of my highschool friends have daughters the same age as my Daughter Number Two so she will get to spend time with her little friends as well. So much good stuff! I feel a little dance party with Daughter Number Two coming on. Life is good.

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