I need to pull myself back together a little bit after a week of downhill slide and self medicating with food. So, it’s count my blessings time. Of course I am blessed by my children and so grateful for them, but I’ll not talk about them now, it’s been a long week and I’m hurting still. I’m blessed with my friends who walk by my side down the road less travelled. But they are a post for another day. Instead I’ll talk about the blessing of finally, finally, finding a safe place to land. And though I read her post after I started writing this, I’ll dedicate this one to Lori, because ‘hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things’ – and she should hold onto it.
I changed my relationship status on facebook yesterday. That is to say I acknowledged my relationship status on facebook, after a long while of not having it up there at all. I’ve never really felt the need to advertise either way, but for me it was truly about acknowledgement. I’m in a good place at the moment, due in no small part to the company I am keeping. And to not say that I’m in a relationship, to not acknowledge that significant part of my life, something that gives me such happiness, it just seemed wrong. And you know, as I’ve said above, my dear friends who walk beside me in this life – they walk beside me through all the crappy stuff. Shouldn’t they get to share in the good stuff too? Facebook for me has always been about connecting with my friends and I share photo’s and music and mostly everything else – save for what I share with you here dear reader! – so it became more of a why not? And I had no good answer. The simple fact is being with The Man I Am In Love With makes me very happy. And I’m proud to be with him, to walk at his side. It’s not something I want to hide, being the open book I am.
So up it went. “Kate is in a relationship”. In actuality Kate could not be more ‘in’ than she is, but there are many times on this part of the journey that I have to mentally pinch myself so I can almost believe it is real. Some of my incredulity I think, is because I have loved him for a long while now, and so wanted to be here whenever we were apart – that to be here, with him, is still somewhat surreal. And some of it, I know, comes from the fact that he is so fucking amazing! This last week alone has given me multiple opportunities to think ‘Holy fuck! I’m actually with him! He’s really something. Really, really something!’ And the fact he’s amazing isn’t a recent relevation; it is those two things thought together – he is amazing and I’m with him. It blows my mind.
The night of the day that would have been my Daughter Number One’s 23rd birthday ended with The Man I Am In Love With walking inside and saying to me “I’m off to bed. You coming?” I hesitated and said “I’ll be in in a bit”. “Why?” “Because I just need to fall a part a little bit first” “Why?” “Because today would have been her 23rd birthday!” “Well, all the more reason to come to bed then, isn’t it? You aren’t alone, are you? Are you? “
Kate is in a relationship.
Post script: I’ve linked this into Edenland’s FRESH HORSES – this week she asks “What’s your own personal sign that things will be ok? That you’re safe, in the world. That something or someone has your back.” The Man I Am In Love With has my back and my home with him is my sanctuary.