(For the beautiful Miss S., and all of us who are trying to find our way.)
Remember when your name was a prayer on my lips?
I screamed it in ecstasy
I cried it in despair.
I whispered it hopefully in the dead of night.
Remember when my prayers were answered because there was you and I believed?
Remember when your body was the temple I worshipped at?
Your thoughts were the the scripture I committed to my memory and learnt off by heart.
All your rituals and all your ways.
The infinitesimal things that made you so much more than the sum of your parts.
You were my religion, the one true path to paradise and my heart sang, full of hymns to you.
I kept the faith.
Who knew that the baptism of fire would come at the end?
Now I hope that like a pheonix I will be reborn.
Find within a sanctuary, be my own refuge.
Because all I have left to believe in is me.
But I haven’t practised in a while.
After a medicated, fitful sleep it is morning. According to my phone at least, because I’d have no real way of knowing. There are no windows near me and the fluorescent lighting has been on all night in this climate controlled cocoon. It is a stark contrast to yesterday; waking up to kookaburra calls, the room already warmed by a barely risen sun. Yesterday though there was the reality of having to pack up and move on and a child who was counting on me. Today, I lie here listening to nurses talking in their varied accents; swapping shifts and strategies for dealing with night shifts. One of the things I love about this place are the number of UK accents you hear.
At some stage I’m going to have to try to think of a way forward, and yesterday brought more options than before but for now, with my head full of nightmares, it is beyond me. It’s worth a mention though that this is the best diet I have ever been on. Hardcore heartache. Every cloud…..
Again, to my very special friends, my thanks and appreciation know no bounds.