Yesterday was a very busy and tiring day- and not just inside my head! Never the less I was still in a fairly positive frame of mind and was all set to share that with you when I got the chance to be here today. Then I dreamt all night that I was on trial for my daughter’s death, complete with angry mob. It wasn’t what happened in real life but it did echo the inquest into her death and I woke up feeling like crap.
I have been trying so hard, I really have. Writing here, eating properly, getting exercise, along with the usual maintenance of doctors appointments and medication. But today I am just miserable and my headache will not be discouraged by paracetemol. I am still in my pyjamas and although the kidlets have been clothed and fed everything else is on hold. It is all I can do not to climb back into bed and pull the covers over my head. Or better still find a deep dark hole- oh wait! Found it!!
Just to add to my feelings of loneliness, loss and alienation my beautiful friend, the current person person of interest, is having problem’s of his own today and so is not available to me, even in a less than satisfying long distance kind of way. Although I appreciate the opportunites to stand on my own two feet, and know I can survive and look after myself, sometimes it is nice to to have a safe place to run to.
Anyhow, I am trying to focus on daughter number two’s second birthday tomorrow and son number one’s 15th birthday the day after. I am trying to gather my shattered self together. But the reality is that all I can think of today is the loss of my daughter, and that in twelve days from now it will be SIX YEARS since she died. Which BLOWS MY MIND.
I know that I have gotten this far by putting one foot in front of the other. I am incredibly grateful for my other three children who are my reason for living. But it has been so hard, and it still is so hard, and there is still so far to go.
And I am so tired.