You can’t go back. You can only go forward. Each day I am taking steps into my future. Every day really is the first day of the rest of your life. As Robert Frost said “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life; it goes on.”
Returning to the place I live I brought with me one hundred kilograms of luggage. I went to the storage unit I hold and brought as much as I could back with me. I still don’t have a home of my own but each day I come closer to being able to build one for myself.
This weekend has been an interesting one. I went out for lunch with my young friend and it was super cool to hear about his job and how he is settling in here. We went out and found a very funky place to eat. It was called ‘The Beach Shack’ and it is as it’s name suggests. Very relaxed and with a cheerful, eclectic, eye catching decor. The food was good too! We placed our order and I ordered the same as Son Number Two and my young friend, who was paying, ran his eyes down the menu and said “Is that because it’s the cheapest?” And I laughed at his insight as he swatted my head with the menu. We will catch up again soon and I am looking forward to it.
The coming week is full of meetings; some ‘business’ and accommodation related and some pleasure. I will be meeting with a new friend and I am excited by that. It goes on.
I have just spent half an hour holding a perfect, gorgeous, baby girl who is just over a day old. Babies are the best therapy. So amazing, so perfect, so full of hope. I sat and listened to her parents talk and held their darling baby and then handed her over to her Grandmother when she arrived. What a privilege, what an honour, what a glorious start to the day.
I am at the same hospital where Daughter Number Two was born and memories assault me at every turn. The room my young friend is in is two rooms along from where I spent a week with my own little girl. Tomorrow I leave again and it hurts.
I am heartened though by the time we have spent together. The bond between us is unbroken, as it is between my three surviving children. Through distance and time love remains. And for me that counts.
It is not a perfect world. It is not a perfect life. I am patently imperfect. That my children know I love them, after all that we have been through – THAT is perfect.
My bags are packed, I have checked in. In about twenty four hours I will be leaving. Baby’s grandmother this morning asked where I was off to. When I told her she said ‘holiday?’ And I said ‘No, I live there.’ And that is the point entirely. That is where I live.
I was shopping with Daughter Number Two today when who should pull up beside me but Barry. My dearest Barry, my favourite cab driver. He’d spent six weeks touring China and has not even been back in town a week. I didn’t think I was going to be able to connect with him but there he was. He complimented me on my weight loss, twice. He’s smooth, our Barry! But he was genuinely thrilled to see me and genuinely pleased I was looking so well and we caught up on each others lives and left each other smiling. It was very cool. Unexpected and simple pleasures. Take them where you can find them, my friends.
Travel safe x
The stars from Daughter Number Two’s night light dance across the ceiling. I have packed a lot into the day but as usual night time does not equate sleep.
My friends and I took three of our children to the beach at dusk. The wind was bitter and the sand cold beneath our feet. The water, though, felt as warm as a bath and the children ran in and out of the waves, laughing with delight. When it grew almost too dark to see them we called them from the water and wrapped them in towels. We walked up the beach, past a couple fishing. Their fire was crackling and flickering on the beach behind them and when we passed them again on the way back the kids stopped for a minute at it’s warmth.
Then we packed my friend’s car and headed to Son Number One’s house for the weekend. We drove through the darkness and listened to Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin and talked and laughed. At my Son’s home I hung a photo of the four of us on his wall, a portrait I’d reclaimed from Nana’s room. I hung Nana’s paintings on his walls and it was a good thing to do. I gave my little Daughter a bath and tucked her into bed. Now I lay beside her, listening to her sleep and I watch the stars dance above my head.
To the guy in his twenties with the dazzling smile; I’m old enough to be your Mother but thank you. Actually, BECAUSE I’m old enough to be your Mother – THANK YOU!
Dear waterproof eyeliner and mascara,
Sterling effort! Keep up the good work 🙂
Dear Son Number One, Congratulations on your new home! I am so happy for you! x
Dear Son Number Two, who had his school councillor group photo taken. I am very proud of how you are going at high school. Keep it up x
Dear Daughter Number Two, I love you and miss you my beautiful princess and I’m looking forward to seeing you soon x
I ran some errands and bought myself a long, black cardigan, second hand, for a bargain price today. Afterwards I was walking along as a fine mist of rain fell on my head and shoulders, like morning dew.
As I walked I realized I was smiling. It’s been fairly well documented that He Who Shall Not Be Named was a most delicious man. He also had the ability to make me weak in the knees in another respect. He is extremely funny. Sometimes I would literally collapse to the floor of the kitchen, gasping for breath, because I was laughing so hard.
There’s no doubt I am broken hearted, but as we know dear reader, my heart was broken long ago. So, I can’t hold that against him. What I can do, what I am doing, is giving thanks for the many moments of pure and true happiness that I found in his company.
This video also makes me happy.