Posts tagged ‘hospital’

Blackbird Singing in the Dead of Night.

The nurses sound like startled chickens. Someone has moved patients and bed numbers on the board. The emergency waiting room is over flowing and beds beyond the veil (Ha. I wish.) are at max capacity. I must have stopped by out of peak hours.

A nurse from the ward came down
to tell me that they hoped there would be a bed for me today. Me too. Unfortunately, his name, which he was at pains to repeat so I could take it in, was the same as my Daughter’s murderer. Trigger. Grief and loss – Trigger. Powerlessness – Trigger. Trigger, trigger, trigger, trigger and neither a shotgun nor Roy Rogers in sight. Hardly seems fair really. But life isn’t, is it? It is just degrees of unfair.

I spoke to Son Number One this morning and he was genuinely sorry for me when I told him what has happened. This young man who is meant to lack in empathy. I expect if Baby Daddy ever gets around to letting Son Number One see Daughter Number Two again Son Number One will tell Baby Daddy about my change of circumstances. The pleasure he will get from the news will be equal to my despair and the gloating and crowing that will ensue really does not bear thinking about. So much to look forward to.

I am mostly left to my own devices. They have real sick people here. At night, when it’s quiet, I’ve taken to having a quick stroll around the bowels of the hospital. No one challenges me, lending weight to my theory that I am but a phantom. Hospitals, schools, they have a whole other vibe at night. You can still feel the echoes of the daytime bustle, a certain electricity remains despite the stillness.

The day is broken up with meals and medications. Breakfast around 7am, lunch between 1.30pm – 2pm, dinner by 7pm. The gorgeous male doctor who checked me in told me to focus on little things, to eat the meals and I do, because there is little else to pass the time.

This time last week I had a home. Now, I could not be more alone.


The final countdown…

Actually it won’t be the final countdown but it is the final leg of this countdown. Amazingly. It felt like it would never happen but here we are post hospital visit with Son Number One and on the downhill run with seven sleeps left until the Current Person of Interest arrives. I can’t believe it really!! In a week’s time he will be here!


I feel like I am doing really well this week. I have walked a little more, eaten a little less, eaten a little better, stood up for myself more, looked after myself more. I am working really hard at putting in some boundries with Baby Daddy because I don’t want it to get to the stage that we can’t even be in the same room together. The services I have in place for the boys are really working so far with potential to be even more helpful as time progresses. Plus I survived the hospital visit.


Surviving the hospital visit was no mean feat for me. Children’s hospitals are really not my idea of a fun place to hang out. This time I felt positively fraudulent as I continously counted my blessings that we were only there for tests. I mean Son Number One has serious chronic conditions that impact his life in many ways large and small but he is not  life threateningly  ill, and for that I am truly thankful. To be in such close quarters with children suffering, however stoicly, and their drawn, wan parents just makes my heart ache. It is for the same reason that I cannot watch the news. I just can’t bear it. 


Combined with the anxiety of being apart from Son Number Two, which was not dulled by his sobbing phone call on the second night we were there, and the lack of sleep, by the time we were discharged I could not leave fast enough. We had to travel interstate for theses tests as that was the hospital closest to us and I have to say that we were treated admirably. No complaints about the service, it’s just there’s no place like home.



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