I tell myself it’s just a blue day…

I am just kind of bobbing along in a sea of grey at the moment. The nightmares and headaches are a constant and the effort required to do anything is huge. I literally feel heavy, in my limbs and my head. My whole body feels bruised. Things seem to be whizzing around me while I move in slow motion. I know that the anniversary of Daughter Number One’s death is looming. Although I am trying not think about it I feel it’s approach constantly. Trying not to think of it saps my already drained mental energy. My grasp on things is not so good and simple things confuse and challenge me. I am holding myself together so tightly that other things are slipping.


The day before yesterday was a really bad day. The nightmares I had eroded my self worth in my sleep and I woke up feeling toxic and damaging to everything and everyone. I received a good morning text from my current person of interest. Usually this brightens my day, but on this particular day I just felt undeserving. 


At the moment my mantra is ‘don’t think, don’t feel’. Don’t try this at home, kids! I don’t recommend it as a long term strategy. I am just scared that if I open up a little bit right now then all the black sadness inside me will escape and swallow me whole. As it is I can feel it burrowing to the surface, gnawing at my innards and leaving me hollow. I feel the need to maintain some kind of control because three little lives depend on me, and I have responsibilities to meet, to my kids, to my Nana still settling into her Aged Care Facility. So, I can’t completely fall apart.  This has been a blessing, in that I would not have made it this far without knowing  my surviving children needed me. But it is hard all the time. Right now, it is very hard.

One recent night while we were having our usual telephone call my current person of interest started to say ‘You are ………’ and I tensed as I waited for that word, but he continued ‘…..I was going to say strong but I’ll say resilient’. I let go of my breath and felt relief. Because I am not strong, not at all. It is still such a struggle to get through each day. To bend under the weight of my grief but not let it break me. To not give in, to not give up. I am not strong at all. All I have done is outlive my daughter and that is just timing, not skill.


One more river, one more river…..

I’ve been wandering around the blogosphere today and it is a little intimidating. It is also awe-inspiring. There are so many voices out there, some saying things so much better than I am. So many people and stories and lives. Maybe it doesn’t matter what I say or how I say it here, because today no one has dropped in to read it, and my biggest day yesterday was with six views!


My primary motivation was to empty out some of the things spinning around in my head, and that is certainly accomplished by writing here. And I guess however small the numbers I am connecting with others on some level, even if it is only when I follow links to their words.


Today has been a busy but mundane day. Housework and children and getting ready to lurch into the coming week. It has been chilly, I am tired, I can’t remember the last morning I awoke without the dull headache that slows me down all day. My two year old Daughter Number Two has decided she no longer needs her day time sleep. I beg to disagree as she has been cranky and tired all afternoon.


I know that I have a very busy day tomorrow and I am less than enthusiastic. I have to fit in two doctor’s appointments, one visit to my Nana, one visit to Centrelink, one visit for Daughter Number Two with her Dad, blood tests and be home at 1pm in time for Son Number One to get home from school.


I am writing this while making dinner. Predictably Daughter Number Two has fallen asleep on the lounge next to her brother. Sigh. Finally she sleeps and I have to wake her. Oh well, we are nearing the finish line of bedtime. I think tonight the children and I may be neck and neck.


Despite having to drag myself step by step through the day I still feel like I’ve accomplished some things. Nothing big, but every little bit counts.