I am just kind of bobbing along in a sea of grey at the moment. The nightmares and headaches are a constant and the effort required to do anything is huge. I literally feel heavy, in my limbs and my head. My whole body feels bruised. Things seem to be whizzing around me while I move in slow motion. I know that the anniversary of Daughter Number One’s death is looming. Although I am trying not think about it I feel it’s approach constantly. Trying not to think of it saps my already drained mental energy. My grasp on things is not so good and simple things confuse and challenge me. I am holding myself together so tightly that other things are slipping.
The day before yesterday was a really bad day. The nightmares I had eroded my self worth in my sleep and I woke up feeling toxic and damaging to everything and everyone. I received a good morning text from my current person of interest. Usually this brightens my day, but on this particular day I just felt undeserving.
At the moment my mantra is ‘don’t think, don’t feel’. Don’t try this at home, kids! I don’t recommend it as a long term strategy. I am just scared that if I open up a little bit right now then all the black sadness inside me will escape and swallow me whole. As it is I can feel it burrowing to the surface, gnawing at my innards and leaving me hollow. I feel the need to maintain some kind of control because three little lives depend on me, and I have responsibilities to meet, to my kids, to my Nana still settling into her Aged Care Facility. So, I can’t completely fall apart. This has been a blessing, in that I would not have made it this far without knowing my surviving children needed me. But it is hard all the time. Right now, it is very hard.
One recent night while we were having our usual telephone call my current person of interest started to say ‘You are ………’ and I tensed as I waited for that word, but he continued ‘…..I was going to say strong but I’ll say resilient’. I let go of my breath and felt relief. Because I am not strong, not at all. It is still such a struggle to get through each day. To bend under the weight of my grief but not let it break me. To not give in, to not give up. I am not strong at all. All I have done is outlive my daughter and that is just timing, not skill.