Posts tagged ‘happy’

THE SONG REMAINS THE SAME. 

This morning I woke up from a nightmare in which I was getting my children ready for some imminent apocalyptic event. I don’t remember what it was, I just remember speaking to my kids and trying to prepare them, in a detailed way, including instructions on what to do if separated from me, or from each other. They were smaller, younger, more vulnerable versions of themselves, just to add to the ambiance. I was talking to them in a very matter of fact way while in my head I was screaming because I knew it wasn’t enough, wasn’t enough, wasn’t enough and the very bad thing was coming and I couldn’t keep them safe. 


Yesterday I woke up from a dream that left me so disoriented that it literally took me a full sixty seconds, without exaggeration, to work out – first – where I was, but then, when I was. In that order, which is weird. Yesterday disappeared into a bit of a hole that I was unable to crawl my way out of. The level of exhaustion is hard to describe. I read somewhere that people with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder feel so tired all the time because you are basically on high alert constantly. After nightmares all night (I will wake up several times during the night and even if I go back to sleep all I remember are nightmares) I slump into some days. My head pounds, I have chest pains and my limbs all feel like they are made of concrete. My whole body aches with heaviness. Everything, every. little. thing. requires such effort that, even if I can be bothered, a small task can take up most of the day. There are days I can’t even pretend to be a functional human being. 

I guess this is my annual Mother’s Day whinge. Feel free to stop reading. I don’t claim any exclusivity. Everyone has hard days and Mother’s Day is hard for lots of people, for many reasons. Childless mothers, motherless children, women who mother other people’s children, children and mothers who are separated by whatever circumstance. I don’t pretend my list is comprehensive. You all know who you are. 

For some, it will be their first Mother’s Day and for some it will be their first Mother’s Day since. For some, it will be both and that’s just the way it is. What I know is that as soon as Easter was over, literally the day after, shops were full of Mother’s Day merchandise. Mugs and slippers and photo frames everywhere you turn. Brochures in the letter box and advertisements on television and Mother’s Day espisodes of television shows. Choking up my newsfeed in every direction. A constant assault that is impossible to escape. And for me this year the added bonus of a later Mother’s Day bringing it even closer to the anniversary of my Daughter’s death. Two and a half weeks to go. Bonus. 

Would I have been a grandmother by now? I cried on the packed train today, silently, after scrolling past a mother guessing her daughter was pregnant on a facebook post. Bit, fat, hot tears that dropped singly from my lashes and felt like lava carving their way down my face. 

After tomorrow there will be marked down slippers, mugs and photo frames and that is nowhere near as fun as marked down Easter chocolate, nowhere near as fun at all. But the days, even the hard ones, pass. Just a bit slower. 

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Tonight I am baby sitting three rascals of the four legged kind. Two very special babies and the big brother of the little girl Son Number Two and I have staying with us; precious souls all of them and I am glad to be here. 
A friend asked me to edit her manuscript recently. I cannot possibly put into words what it meant to me to be trusted with that task, but it meant so much. It worked for me on a number of levels. 
I have friends I can text random things to and they will meet me where I am. I recently went to see a performance of live theatre. It was an incredibly moving adaptation of The Diary of Anne Frank hosted by the Western Australian Academy of the Performing Arts. I’ve had lunch in the quiet, leafy grounds of a University and laughed at my Daughter Number Two and my Sons. I have felt the relief of cool nights after just warm enough days. Videos of small boys and big dogs that melt my heart. And, you know, marked down Easter chocolate. 

The best of times and the worst of times. 
For the rest of my life; the best of times and the worst of times. 
Safe onward travel x 

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SHAKE IT OFF!

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So here we are my friends, the start of another year. Positively packed full of promise and possibilities! For me, it feels like so much has happened already. We’ve already had the first full moon of 2015 and the day before yesterday I rode a bicycle for the first time in literally years. Despite the exceedingly warm weather I have been doing lots of walking; talking the talk, walking the walk! After hellishly hot days I relish the cool change breeze that whips the washing on the line and comes through my window in the evenings, dancing down my skin. Spending time with My Young Friend and his lovely fiancée and seeing the world through their eyes is refreshing and adds a certain youthfulness that I enjoy.

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As we continue on the adventure of life there are a few things I know for sure:

*There is beauty all around us if we allow ourselves to see it.

*I am privileged to have the very best of people as my friends.

*There is a whole big wide world out there.

*Sometimes getting lost is the way to find yourself.

*I am the author of my own story.

*Life is short.

*When all else is gone, love is what remains.

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The other day I was out for lunch and there were television screens playing music videos. The first three songs that played after we were seated at our table were “These Boots Are Made for Walkin’ ” by Nancy Sinatra, “I’m Still Standing” by Elton John and “Happy” by Pharrell Williams. True story! And that about sums it up really. Another year, life goes on!

So LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE! Goodbye 2014! 

Safe onward travel everyone x

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Papa Don’t Preach.

I had been putting off discussing my future plans in any detailed or specific way with my Father and Stepmother because I thought that my Father would be the hardest sell of anyone I needed to discuss my plans with. I was being a scaredy Kate. So, I decided it was time to bite the bullet, take the bull by the horns, gird my loins, suck it up and lay it on the line. I cooked roast lamb for Sunday lunch and invited them over.

I know that I am forty years old and that my life is my own but my Father and I are not close. We never have been. It’s not that we don’t get on, we are just very different people. He is old school. He is of the opinion that if I’d just give the boys a good belting that’d sort them out. I cannot speak to him about Daughter Number One because ‘that is in the past’ (I am not discounting or insensitive to his own grief here). I have no doubt of his love for me, we are just very different people. My Father was in and out of my childhood. My parents divorced when I was about four. My Mother would move house without telling him sometimes. He’s getting on a bit now and has some health issues that have flared up recently and he and my Stepmother have some things going on with her kids as well. All of which combined made me reticent to lay everything on them sooner.

The time had come. Lunch was eaten, the sponge cake my Stepmother had brought had been served, tea was made, the children had left the table. I said what I had to say. My Father expressed some concerns but really I could not have hoped for a better response if I’d scripted it myself. Things are falling into place for me. Every time something does there’s still a little part of me that is incredulous. Things have been so hard for a very long time. That is what feels familiar. Each time  I step out of the uncomfortable comfort zone I feel more weight lift off me. In a couple of weeks I’ll be looking at schools for Son Number Two and showing him around the place we are going to live. Daughter Number Two is excited for the trip because she’s been before, but I’m especially looking forward to showing Son Number Two around because it will be his first taste of what our future will look like. The three of us getting to spend some quality time together isn’t to be sneezed at either.

On our way back we’ll be stopping in to visit with my highschool friends and their new, much longed for baby. Two of my highschool friends have daughters the same age as my Daughter Number Two so she will get to spend time with her little friends as well. So much good stuff! I feel a little dance party with Daughter Number Two coming on. Life is good.

If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands

Despite the weather being cold and grey and despite a slight headache hangover from yesterday I am in excellent spirits today. Not in a euphoric kind of way, just in a warm, relaxed, contented kind of way. This happy feeling is like a big soft blanket that I can wrap around myself and snuggle down into.

Things seem to be falling into place in a number of areas of my life. My Nana is getting her own room at the Aged Care Facilty in a wing more suited to her needs today. The respite stuff for the boys has started, and is so far so good with more to come this weekend. The case management stuff for Son Number One has started as well and has already exceeded my expectations.

I have recently pulled together a couple of surprises for people that I love which is heaps of fun for me! I sent my Dad and his wife away for the night up the Coast to see a Queen tribute band and stay at a fancy apartment. They had a really great time, and enjoyed everything. They offer me alot of support and it was nice to be able to thank them by doing something for them they would not do for themselves.  I have a few other things in various stages of planning that I can’t talk about yet but they are already providing me with heaps of entertainment!

I am gaining more trust in myself and my feelings and that is having a positive flow on effect. I am still scared but not as much. I realise I am tempting fate by saying this out loud but that is ok, because right here, right now, I am happy.

When you’re smiling…

You know what? I am happy today and I think I will just sit with that for a little bit. I’ve indulged in some retail therapy with Daughter Number Two, had a lunch I enjoyed and I’m looking forward to an enjoyable phone call tonight. Sounds like a good day to me!!

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