I had to say goodbye to the current person of interest today. I am moping about like a spoilt child. It is amazing how much you can get used to warm, comforting arms and kisses on tap, snuggling in bed against the winter cold, having someone around to laugh with, to talk to, to be silent with. My sons and I are not so good with people leaving. We’ve had too many for comfort. Being able to say goodbye to someone is infinitely preferable to not being able to say goodbye but it is still hard. My boys and I are only too aware that when someone leaves you they might never come back again.
As much as I do appreciate the distance and flexibility of this current arrangement that forces me to keep myself in check the down side is that it can feel tenuous and ethereal. There is not much for me to hold onto when the distance seems too great. Or maybe there is nothing to hold on to me? To ground me and stop me from spinning off into dark places of fears and doubts.
This is the first goodbye we have had where I haven’t had a future planned meeting to aim for. The future, which I try not to think about, stretches out unending and barren before me. It is easier to not think too far ahead when I can see the next busstop. Goodbyes are easier if they can be translated into see you later.
I have no reason to think I will not see him again mind you but it is just too easy for my self doubts to creep in when there is a plane trip between us. They have a much tougher job when he is here for me to double check with, to answer any question on demand and to calm my internal struggles with his presence. One of the many things I love about the current person of interest is that he radiates calm. I may have mentioned this previously, I am not sure? He just has a very peaceful aura that I find extremely soothing. I miss that too.
In other news I visited my Nana today. I am still struggling with seeing her little unit packed up, the last place she would live independently, her life broken down into boxes. In the six months before Daughter Number One died she would regularly stay at Nana’s and the fold out bed she slept in has now made it’s way to my garage. Saying goodbye to Nana’s little flat also meant severing another link to my daughter’s life. Somewhere that she had walked, had laughed, had breathed. Somewhere else that whispered to me ‘She was here! She was here!’
So, I saw my Nana today and we were there as her lunch arrived. I watched her eat her hot lunch with her fingers, even after I directed her to her cutlery. It was not traditional finger food by any stretch of the imagination. I watched as she struggled to recall the name for peas, even though she had called them by name a moment before. She exclaimed ‘Oh! I love this!’ at the sight of the ham steak before declaring a minute later that she had never had it and asking me what it was. My sons, who remember the Nana of old, are confused and upset by her deterioration. They do not know what to say or to do. Little miss Daughter Number Two however gives Nana lots of cuddles and kisses whenever she asks, a privilege not afforded to anyone else. She soaks up Nana’s adoration and they compare teeth and laugh. They are good companions for each other, one at the start of her life and one nearing the close. Although they are at different stages and ages they share alot of common ground. I am so glad for them both that they have this time together and I am so grateful to my beautiful sister for the effort she has put in to make it possible.
Although my feet are dragging today I continue to put one foot in front of the other.