“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
― Mark Twain
“No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true.”
― Walt Disney Company
“Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country.”
― Anaïs Nin
In the last twenty four hours I’ve had a long conversation with an old friend and a brief conversation with a newer friend that both approached the same subject from different directions. My old friend was saying that it must be a novelty to feel happy and peaceful, that it will take some getting used to for me. He is correct. It is like a new land, where I have to learn the customs and become fluent in the language. A lot of the time I can’t find the words for things that I feel. Me, who eats words for breakfast. It is just that sometimes I am so overwhelmed by the positive emotions that words fail me. This brave new world is full of feelings; raw, untamed, uncensored. Pain is an old friend I am used to walking in step with. It has been a cold comfort of familiarity. A worn, stained, torn old jumper that has melded to my form like a second skin.
The last month has been like a rebirth and I am an infant; naked, vulnerable, learning to crawl before I walk. The things I feel are somehow in sharper focus, more vibrant and intense. Things are overwhelmingly positive but I am flexing emotional muscles that have been largely out of use, so there are adjustments to make. It’s not a bad job to have mind you. My newer friend, in essence, said ‘You have been talking about this for a long time now. You have everything you have been dreaming of and hoping for for such a long time and now you are quiet?’ And yes, sometimes I am quiet. Sometimes it is enough to sit with the peace and let the contentment wash over me. The constant nails on a chalkboard screech and incessant hum of grief and loss that has been the sound track of my life for such a long time has quietened considerably. Sometimes I can hardly hear it at all. There is space in this peace for happy memories of my Daughter Number One, for all of my children, and there is peace in this space for me. It is enough for me to sit with it quietly. In my quietness there is acceptance. I am out of the wilderness. I’ve stepped back through the looking glass. I am home. I am HOME.
WILLY WONKA: But Charlie . . . don’t forget what
happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always
CHARLIE: What happened?
WILLY WONKA: He lived happily ever after.
So, last night I had another nightmare within a nightmare. No wonder I feel exhausted when I wake up! On the plus side last nights dreams weren’t quite as cryptic and I guess I feel that if I am working through any issues while I’m unconscious then theoretically it should save me time while I’m conscious, right?
I’ve got alot going on at the moment, both inside and outside my head. You would think the stuff outside- including two beautiful boys with special needs, one enchanting almost two year old girl, a grandparent with alzheimers who I’m helping my sister find a residential care placement for, a newish romantic entanglement of the long distance variety, an ex-husband I still care for…….where was I? I had to leave to change a delightful poo filled nappy. Oh, yes, I was thinking that the everyday glamour of my life would dull down the roar from inside my head. But it doesn’t.
I am an introspective person by nature. That has really only been magnified by depression and PTSD. I watch reality TV and read trashy magazines because they produce a soothing white noise effect in my head. A friend I was speaking with last night says the internet does the same for him, and I’d have to agree. That is partly what this blog is about, as the title suggests it is space for me to dump what is in my head.
I feel like I have entered a new phase in terms of personal growth and that is probably what the intensity of my dreams is about. This can only be a good thing, even if it is leaving me feeling a bit strung out. Anyhow, the ‘real world’ calls…….later!