Posts tagged ‘divorce’

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.

What a day yesterday was in my virtual world. A friend had divorce papers served in front of his two young daughters and lamented the same on his Facebook page. It made me sad for him, so raw was his pain. It was more painful still when one of his f.b. friends transcribed the lyrics to ‘The First Cut is the Deepest’ in the comments under his status. I mean Ack!! Seriously? Apparently. I love good lyrics as much as the next girl, but Wow! I’m sure his friend’s heart was in the right place though, even if it had obviously been broken before. A young friend of mine posted underwear shots of herself, before and after she’d had her baby, as a realistic view of what happens to your body in pregnancy. Very brave of her, but it made me glad I only have forty odd f.b. friends, and made me wonder about her two hundred plus.

It made me think about the things we put out into the universe – not just the twitterverse, or Facebook or the virtual world but in real life as well. How little control we have over what we put out there, once we’ve put it out. How things take on a life of their own, and go in directions we may not foresee. It’s almost giving me vertigo just thinking about it. There is inherent risk in putting yourself out there. Of being rejected, or misunderstood, or ridiculed. There’s always the risk of making mistakes, of stuffing up, so risking shame and regret and sorrow as well. It could be paralyzing if I let it.

In the words of Dr. Seuss;  ‘So be sure  when you step, step with care and great tact, and remember that life’s a great balancing act.’ I may not always get it right, but I’ll always try. That’s really all any of us can give, at the end of the day, the best that we can. 

When I left my friend he was planning to go fishing today. Good for him! I recognise an optimist when I see one!


Onward and upward

I started the day on a positive note. A lovely friend was generous enough to share her spectacular holiday snaps with me. They truly were amazing. I have never been out of Australia, and as I was studying her photo’s I was inspired by the idea that this was something I should change. It fits in with my living instead of existing ambitions. Thinking about travel also gives me a focal point in the future to work my way towards, instead of wandering aimlessly from day to day. All healthy stuff right?


Travel will take some planning and saving for, especially with three children in tow. My thoughts so far have been that I want somewhere not too far away so that the flight is manageable. Things are so competitive now too, it seems wasteful not to take advantage of it. It would be a wasted opportunity. Daughter Number One grabbed life with both hands and made the most of every opportunity. Doing the same is the best way I have of honouring her.


Speaking of opportunities,  there are twelve sleeps left until I see my current person of interest again, which is another positive focal point. If the first line of any book I write is going to be ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you doesn’t make you stronger, all that happens is you just don’t die.’ then it’s title will be ‘Can I spend the rest of my life with you if I promise not to live too long?’. The current person of interest and I have been talking about the state of play recently, as you’ll remember from a few posts back.


During conversation on this topic the current person of interest said that he would be worried if I was planning on spending the rest of my life with him, or wanted to marry him or have babies with him. Well, yes. So would I.  One of the things I like about this current situation is that I have no expectations, of him or myself. Having been married three times, widowed once and divorced twice I am not in any hurry to tie knots of any kind anytime soon. As my ex helpfully pointed out the common denominator in all these ‘failed’ relationships is me. Truth be told I don’t think there is a promise the current person of interest could make to me regarding any commitment that I would believe anyway. That he doesn’t want to spend his life with me, or marry me or have babies with me- that I can believe!


But I also believe that he loves me, that he is my friend and that he is honest with me. I know that while I do count the days until I see him, I am not keeping track of how long we have been doing whatever it is we are doing as some kind of measure. I know that I am enjoying his company and I believe he is enjoying mine. I know I can look forward to an interesting phone conversation tonight.


For me, for now, it is not so much about the destination, but about the journey. And he is an excellent travelling companion! 

A rose by any other name….

Some days I exhaust myself! Some nights too for that matter. My mind shifts into overdrive and keeps tick tick ticking away. I have gone back and added tags to my posts. If I’m on the right track these should make it easier for people to find my posts if they are searching for particular subjects. We shall see.


Speaking of searching, in my ongoing quest for meaning I have been spending time this week thinking of names and labels. What do they mean? Do they define us? There are a couple of reasons for my thoughts on this subject. One reason is that I received a copy of my divorce papers in the mail. This means that the legality now reflects the reality and I am no longer anyone’s wife.


The other reason is that I had been frustrated over not knowing how to refer to my current person of interest. ‘Current person of interest’ works here- well, it does for me!- but in other situations it is kind of unweildy. So, what to use? Lover? True enough but possibly too much information in some circumstances. Friend? Absolutely but more than that too.


I discussed this with the current person of interest and he first said I could call him whatever I liked. So then I asked what I was to him. Ha! He found it difficult too. We decided on boyfriend which makes me feel kind of adolescent. This is not a bad thing. My thoughts didn’t stop there though. My current person of interest said that it did not matter what we called each other, it did not change how he felt. He is a very wise man. I know he is right.


It concerns me that labelling things may produce expectations or limitations, and I don’t want either. It has been a very organic relationship that has evolved from my current person of interest being my ex-husband’s best friend, the best man at my wedding, to my good friend, to my lover. Given the complexities of my life I hope that the relationship keeps evolving, as I do. Even though I don’t want limitations or expectations my constant need to question  and check means that definitions are important to me. What does it all mean??


Overnight I recalled a conversation I had a long time ago with a very very dear friend, who had once been my lover. He had referred to me as his ex-girlfriend. I protested that I was his friend more than I was his ex-girlfriend. I was certainly his friend for longer. Maybe I just didn’t want our relationship to be defined by what was no more but rather what was.


Maybe that is what I am looking for now? Something that reflects the situation as it is. Not as it might be, or was. We are definitely friends. That is the core, solid and strong, of our relationship. We are definitely lovers. Mmmm, back to where I started!! Perhaps the difficulty lies with me? I’m sure it makes it harder to define someones relationship to you if you are still discovering your own identity.


Maybe I am just me, and he is just he, and we are just we. And maybe that is enough.

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