Apropos of nothing, I just want to say how much I love music. It has such power, to empathise, to uplift, for escape. I’m sitting here today flicking through songs on YouTube. Some I know, others I’m just discovering. A couple had been upload by someone with the handle ‘Musicsavesmysoul’ and I saw that and thought ‘Yes, indeedy.’ This is the closet to religion I’m ever going to get.
It took me a long time to actually listen to music again. With pleasure. Nothing like choosing tracks for funerals to suck all the fun out of it. Now, it’s on all the time, different things as the mood strikes me. On the odd occasion when I have been sans enfants I’ve had the luxury of turning it up really loud and letting the bass beat through my body, drowning out my pulse. Music, like the written word, makes room for me to disappear for a little while. I loved being in the choir in highschool for the same reason- not just to miss classes. I remember seeking refuge in a televised Dire Straits concert, when they toured Australia in the ’80’s, while the fight between my mother and the stepfather raged around me. I don’t have many childhood memories but that one survived.
Music is a part of who I am although I lost it somewhere along the way. Not just after Daughter Number One died but before that. My love of music had been stifled by being someone’s mother, someone’s wife. Now, it’s helping me find my way again. Finding my way back to me. Music = Good. And even on those days when I’ve forgotten the words to life I’ll try to just hum along.
I was talking to the Current Person of Interest last night about childhood memories. I’ve retained very few memories from my childhood. There was little that was memorable. While we were talking about lollies though I suddenly remembered bubble gum that came in the shape of an LP and the cardboard cover was like a record cover of top 40 hits of the time, and the lyrics were printed inside. I could even remember one of the songs I had, Blondie- ‘Heart of Glass’. The mind sure works in mysterious ways! How random is that?
Things are looking up around here! The good news for the day is that I’ve been told Daughter Number Two can come with Son Number One and I for the big hospital visit. To say I am relieved would be an understatement. I have been going out of my mind. Further. Now, I am confident I will make it through next week and be even closer to the day the Current Person of Interest is arriving!
I am looking forward to his arrival so much! When I thought I would be forced to leave Daughter Number Two at home for four days his visit was my focal point, one that enabled me to see past the black hole of my anxiety and sadness. The Current Person of Interest has been there all week throwing me little lifelines to keep me afloat.
On Monday I picked up a parcel from the Post Office, which contained some chocolates (they are so cute I haven’t had the heart to eat them yet), a lovely card and a CD full of songs that remind him of me! Awwwwwwww! It has been a long time since I have felt so special and been so spoiled and cared for, in so many little ways each day. In fact I am not sure that I have ever had a relationship this equal in terms of what I am putting into it and getting out of it. It is a new and pleasurable experience, which I am savouring!!