Posts tagged ‘break up’

I’LL TELL YOU MY SINS AND YOU CAN SHARPEN YOUR KNIFE.

Happy Valentine’s Day! I’ve spent it with Daughter Number Two. I hope you’ve spent it with someone you love.

Today I’ve seen teenage couples walking together, the girls clutching single long stemmed roses I’ve read beautiful Valentine’s messages shared on facebook. My favourite thing about Valentine’s Day is the feeling that the whole world is celebrating love.

And you know that can’t be bad.

For all the Lovers:

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DON’T LET THE SOUND OF YOUR OWN WHEELS DRIVE YOU CRAZY.

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A bit of a fragile day today. It started this morning in the car listening to the radio. “By My Side” by INXS came on and reminded me of Malcolm. The song following it reminded me of someone else I’ve loved and lost. A musical one-two combination that winded me.

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I was riding the train thinking how evocative music can be. How amazing memory is that a little fragment of something; a line of a book, the name of a street, a certain scent can transport us so thoroughly to another time and space. I was thinking of that movie with Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet, “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. They are a couple who, after a break up, have every memory of each other erased from their minds only to spend the rest of the film trying to fill the gap.

That is the deal I guess. With the ecstasy comes the agony. As I said in an earlier post there are positives in both if you look for them. Today was bittersweet but only because I’ve known the sweet at all.

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One of my knights phoned me not much later. Although I don’t get to talk to him as much as I’d like these days he is still excellent value when I do and he was definitely the bright spot in my day. Love takes many forms. I’m still a true believer guys, so, courtesy of the internet and for your viewing pleasure, please find Stan Beaton, who kept his wife’s outgoing voicemail message on his phone for 14 years after she died, just so he could hear her voice. Then his phone was upgraded and the message was lost. Stan, understandably, was devastated but what happened next was beautiful. Check it out!

Then this short piece about unrequited love:

Holding on, letting go; two sides of one coin.

Safe onward travel x

DO YOU NEED ANYBODY?

As I said in my last post, I am not going to be the one who tells you it’s going to be easy. Because it won’t. Sometimes it will be a night so hot that your clothes stick to your skin and the heat presses down on you like a weight. Sometimes you will be looking for that funny picture you saved on your phone for a friend and you’ll come across a photo of a boy, peacefully asleep in his bed on Christmas night and it will hurt so much to see it that you literally cannot breathe. Sometimes the pain will be so overwhelming you will cry yourself to sleep, the tears burning like acid down your cheeks.

Then the morning will come (even though the mourning is still there) and you will pick yourself up, slowly, and dust yourself off, slowly, and keep on living. If you are lucky, like me, you will have the most gorgeous friends beside you. The ones who hold you close in their hearts and give you a safe place to rest. If you are that lucky then you will count your blessings even while your heart aches. Because what else can you do?

My Young Friend was going to bed the other night and said, as he often does, ‘Love you Kate!’. I responded in kind and he asked ‘Getting sick of hearing it?’ And I said ‘No’ and asked him back ‘Getting sick of saying it?’ And he smiled and said ‘Never going to happen!’.

Which is what I’m counting on x

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HERE I STAND.

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I have an app on my phone called ‘Timehop’. It sorts through your social media activity over the years and shows you what you were up to on this date a year ago or three years ago or seven years ago. I find it fascinating! Lately however, it’s offerings have just served to make me a little sad. Today was different. Today it was like getting a message from myself! And from this very blog!

Today Timehop informed me that three years ago I posted this poem:

let it go

let it go – the
smashed word broken
open vow or
the oath cracked length
wise – let it go it
was sworn to
go

let them go – the
truthful liars and
the false fair friends
and the boths and
neithers – you must let them go they
were born
to go

let all go – the
big small middling
tall bigger really
the biggest and all
things – let all go
dear

so comes love

~ e. e. cummings ~

Thanks me! I needed that. It’s such a great poem! Say it out loud! The timing was perfect as I spent today sorting and packing. Letting go, letting go. I had a lovely phone conversation with one of my beautiful friends and managed to be quite productive. There are things I will carry with me and things that I will leave behind but each ending is a new beginning. And love is what remains.

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For the one who showed me what true love really looks like; Frankie, you and Deano will always hold a special place in my heart x

Safe onward travel x

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THANK YOU

Thank you for opening my eyes and giving me my wings.

Thank you for reminding me how to go out into the world and make new friends.

Thank you for teaching me to believe in myself.

Thank you for showing me how to hold on and how to let go.

Thank you for stimulating my mind and body in more ways than I can count and teaching me things about myself that I had not known.

Thank you for challenging my thinking and perceptions.

Thank you for the weight I’m losing in time for the wedding.

Thank you for the gift you have been to my Son.

Thank you for the laughter and for the love I feel for you.

Thank you for every amazing, frustrating, inspiring and challenging minute.

I wouldn’t have missed it for the world x

Just remember what your old pal said.

Despite the fact Taylor Swift makes a living from her break ups it seems not every one is a fan of the genre. To be fair, these are people who care for me and it is possible they don’t enjoy my pain. However, this is where I write. It is how I process things. Although I get a buzz from the whole ‘If you write it, they will come’ thing, primarily I write for myself. Because words are a passion and because I can’t not write. So, even if no one followed this blog, no one liked my posts, no one came to read my words, I would still write.

At the moment I am hurting. There are many layers to my pain. I have lost a relationship that was unlike any I’ve ever known, with the knowledge I will never find that again. I have lost my home. I have lost all that is beautiful and meaningful associated with it.

More than that, it is another situation entirely out of my control. It is another huge loss in a lifetime of losses. It is pushing my PTSD buttons like you wouldn’t believe because of certain similarities. Again, I have lost my bearings. It hurts. It really, really hurts more than should be possible for someone to survive.

So, if my pain is something you aren’t comfortable with then, with respect, you have the right not to read what I write. I don’t have that luxury, I can’t not feel it, but you do. And then you won’t know that due to particular circumstances it feels like this is just another thing in a never ending list of things that my Daughter’s murderer has taken from me.

You won’t hear that after ten years it still feels like he got away scot free while I am left to pay the piper over and over and over again. You won’t know that as well as being hurt and sad and feeling powerless and hopeless I am also just so ANGRY. Because it isn’t fair. It is patently, foot stampingly unfair. I feel trapped, which also doesn’t make me happy.

But I am working on it. I’m doing what I need to do to get on with things. Tying up loose ends. One step at a time. And it may not be the way you’d do it and you have the right to your opinion, but I’m doing what I can. I am moving on, not because I want to, but because I have to. Because you can’t stand still. I just can’t say I’m loving it all of the time. Because it hurts. Like you wouldn’t believe. And it’s only been three and a bit weeks. I don’t think time heals all wounds, but you do learn to live with stuff, because you have to.

I appreciate the love and support and concern that’s been thrown my way. You guys are the best x

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

(Title care of the Doris Day ditty).

The beach at dusk. The sun gone to bed. There’s a cool breeze blowing that tosses my skirt and hair and chills me despite my jumper. Or is it my heart, that cold, dead lump, chilling me from the inside out? And really, what does it matter? I took a step further towards my next adventure today. Bring it on.

THINGS TO FORGET

Your shoe size
Three chains and a ring
Quiet mornings before dawn
Your hands in my hair
How you like your rolls
Every mark, every scar, every wrinkle
Your neck beneath my lips
Arm wrestling
Rupert
Looking for camels
Black velvet
Green eyes
How you sound falling asleep
The ridges of the muscles in your thighs
The lines of your back, shoulders and arms
The crack of the ball off your bat
Working shirtless across the room
The songs you sang
That I love you
That I love you
That I love you

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