I am sick of waking up needing to take pain killers for a headache. At least today I don’t remember the nightmares I had during the night. I have discovered some interesting blogs lately. I hear echos of myself in them, with their themes of love, loss, betrayal, depression and growth. On the one hand their words make me feel a little less alone, a little less stupid. I rejoice in their small victories and they give me hope.
On the other hand it highlights for me the number of intelligent, generous, loving, funny people in the world getting done over by souless, parasitic liars. This is not a happy realisation. It literally gives me chills and sends me fleeing to a happy place in my head. I resist the urge to curl up and rock back and forth, but I can feel myself retreating emotionally. How? How? Why? Why? And how do you stop it from happening again? How do you trust someone? HOW DO YOU TRUST YOURSELF??
That is my big issue. I no longer trust my own perceptions. Which is why I question and analyze everything to the enth degree, but even that is a flawed process because it is me doing the analyzing.
To learn from your mistakes gives you opportunity to grow. My mistakes have been so costly that I will be forever learning from them. At times I am paralyzed by the fear of doing anything. To do nothing seems safer. To feel nothing. To trust no-one. But then what is left? What is left of life if you feel nothing? do nothing? If you do not connect with other souls?
The sane voice in my head (how’s that for a contradiction in terms? ) says that to truly live my life I have to trust people. Not everyone to be sure, but some people. But how can I trust in my trust of others?? It is hard work. At the moment I am not up to the challenge.
I try not to let the events in my life define me, but today I can’t shake myself free. My whole body has been freezing cold all day and the chill has extended to my heart. Maybe if I give in to the cold I will no longer feel the pain? Perhaps I will just be numb? Maybe the pain is from the continual struggle to feel the suns warmth again? In my one step forward two steps back existence today is definitely a two steps back day. I am so scared. I am so scarred.