Posts tagged ‘Autism’

Father’s Day

Today has been a crap day. It started out pretty well but slid downhill fast. Baby Daddy saw Daughter Number Two yesterday, so I did not have to manage that today. It was beautiful weather and I spoke to the Current Person of Interest this morning.

 

It all came apart spectacularly when my Dad dropped in so we could wish him a Happy Father’s Day. Son Number Two had had a restless night and had been short tempered all day. Son Number One was his usual testing self. Literally two minutes after my Dad and his wife walked in Son Number Two exploded in a ball of rage at Son Number One which involved lots of swearing and door slamming. And went on, and on, and on. Probably for only half an hour but it felt like FOREVER.

 

I don’t imagine Father’s Day is much fun when your Father killed himself. Especially if he murdered your big sister at the same time. While I never deny my Son’s their memories of their father and their grief at his loss it is quite a different scenario from a Father’s Day with an absentee father, or one who has passed away. I can only presume it raises conflicting emotions for them, it certainly does for me. While I understand  all that, part of me screams why oh why couldn’t the major meltdown have happened after my father’s visit?

 

I am just so tired. I have a two day Autism workshop thingy that I’m sure would be worthwhile if I didn’t feel such a mess but as it is, it is another thing on the long list of things I have to manage and leaving Daughter Number Two for two days to attend is making me anxious like you wouldn’t believe. She is being minded at home which is the best scenario but I’m still finding it difficult. I’m finding everything difficult.

 

In the news over the past week there were two stories that resonated with me. One involved a murder/suicide in which a father drove his two young children into a tree. The other was a step father killing his step daughter, after it is thought she woke up while he was assaulting her. These stories are a physical blow to me, that knock me down. And it is so hard to keep on getting back up.

 

This is the best I can do. I can’t do anymore. And it sucks to realise it doesn’t seem good enough.

What goes up, must come down…

This was going to be a cheery post full of smug happiness. Smug because I have managed to keep to my more exercise less food thing, and happy because there are only 5 sleeps to go until the Current Person of Interest arrives.

 

Unfortunately, and for people who know me fairly predictably, just as things seemed to be looking up it all crashed and burned. Son Number One had an ‘incident’ at school that ended with him assaulting a teacher. There are no excuses for this behaviour. However, for those of you with any Aspergers or Autism experience I am sure it will provide some clarity to note that the teacher grabbed Son Number One, who then went off his head.

That was where it ended. Well,  it is really just the beginning but that was the final straw today. I’m not sure where it will  end. I expect that as this is not the first ‘incident’ we are looking at expulsion. The thought of finding, arranging, and starting again at a new school exhausts me. How to manage Son Number One’s behaviours just causes me despair. I am trying so hard, but it is becoming more and more difficult to balance the needs of everyone depending on me, including my own although they are way down the priority list.

 

I just want to dive head first into lots of food that isn’t very good for me. Unfortunately because I started the day on a more positive note I didn’t buy any food that I can self medicate with. I mean, there’s food, but nothing like Mars Bars or cake or scones with jam and cream or frozen chocolate cheesecake bits or caramel covered popcorn- you get the idea. Part of me thinks this is a good thing. Part of me just doesn’t care at the moment.

 

I feel so defeated. It has all just knocked the wind out of me.

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