It’s been a big week so far. The Current Person of Interest arrived safely and Son Number One is not getting expelled. The mood of the week has been a bit bipolar. Almost like a ‘Sliding Doors’ kind of vibe with two alternate realities. The Current Person of Interest and I actually had two proper, real dates, where we got to get dressed up and leave the house without little people in tow. That was very exciting! The first night I managed to eat a delicious meal without anybody on my lap, finger painting with my food. The only person who ate off my plate was me!! What a luxury! The food was great, the company was first class, and it was an altogether perfect evening. The second evening we went to the movies, where I saw my first film rated over PG in literally years. It was blissful to sit in the darkness holding his hand. Imagine, I was sitting down for two hours straight! We have more fun to come as the days go on, provide I can organise some short term respite for Son Number One.
Son Number One was at a weekend respite for the above nights out. It makes me feel so guilty to feel the change in the whole vibe of the house when he is not here. It is like this huge weight lifts and stress levels plummet. Not just in me, but all of us. Unfortunately, all that happens in reverse on his return. Son Number Two is now old enough to be aware that his older brother is different, and is angry and resentful about it. He thinks it is not fair, and he’s right, it’s not. It is such a struggle to balance all their competing needs.
As things stand Son Number One is suspended for awhile, but there is a big meeting this Thursday so I guess we’ll see what happens then. Obviously no expulsion is good but my heart is just broken at the thought of the small progress made but now lost. To keep fighting these battles, on the home front, on the school front, it is just exhausting. I am exhausted.
So these are the flip sides of my coin at the moment. Pleasant interludes with the Current Person of Interest interspersed with fighting children and family crisis’. But in the middle of the night, when the Current Person of Interest reaches out to me half asleep and pulls me close to him, and wraps my arms around him, and his around me, in that stillness there is only peace and comfort and love.
This was going to be a cheery post full of smug happiness. Smug because I have managed to keep to my more exercise less food thing, and happy because there are only 5 sleeps to go until the Current Person of Interest arrives.
Unfortunately, and for people who know me fairly predictably, just as things seemed to be looking up it all crashed and burned. Son Number One had an ‘incident’ at school that ended with him assaulting a teacher. There are no excuses for this behaviour. However, for those of you with any Aspergers or Autism experience I am sure it will provide some clarity to note that the teacher grabbed Son Number One, who then went off his head.
That was where it ended. Well, it is really just the beginning but that was the final straw today. I’m not sure where it will end. I expect that as this is not the first ‘incident’ we are looking at expulsion. The thought of finding, arranging, and starting again at a new school exhausts me. How to manage Son Number One’s behaviours just causes me despair. I am trying so hard, but it is becoming more and more difficult to balance the needs of everyone depending on me, including my own although they are way down the priority list.
I just want to dive head first into lots of food that isn’t very good for me. Unfortunately because I started the day on a more positive note I didn’t buy any food that I can self medicate with. I mean, there’s food, but nothing like Mars Bars or cake or scones with jam and cream or frozen chocolate cheesecake bits or caramel covered popcorn- you get the idea. Part of me thinks this is a good thing. Part of me just doesn’t care at the moment.
I feel so defeated. It has all just knocked the wind out of me.
I woke up feeling anxious this morning. The current person of interest and I had a minor misunderstanding last night. That is really all it was, nothing of any substance. But I had been floating around in a bliss bubble for a few days and I guess it hurts to fall back to earth. I am frustrated with myself about this. Frustrated because I feel like Maxwell Smart in the show’s (Get Smart) credits when he is walking away and all the different doors are clanging shut behind him. Frustrated because my reactions and feelings are so out of proportion with actual events. Frustrated because I don’t want to live a life ruled by fear but it is so much damn hard work not to just curl up and hide. Frustrated that my relationships and day to day life will always be seen through a prism of past betrayal.
On the plus side Daughter Number Two slept in until 8am. OH! MY! GOD! This is a miracle and as I couldn’t force myself to sleep until nearly 2am it was much appreciated. Just fyi, for comparison, Daughter Number Two was awake the night before from 11.30pm until 3am. Obviously she was catching up on some sleep but her timing was fab. Because it is Saturday I didn’t have to be up earlier to get the boys to school. It was very good! Decent sleep equals weird dreams and nightmares for me but I am kind of resigned to that being the price I pay. I can’t say I feel completely rested but I feel human and that’s a step in the right direction!!!
Also on the plus side; I had a call yesterday from a case management service. They are coming to see me next Thursday to discuss how they can help with support for Son Number One (Epilepsy, Asperger’s Syndrome, ADHD). I am quite exited by this. Like the respite I am hoping that this will mean big quality of life improvements for us all. Now if we could just get the appointment we are waiting on for Son Number One to have an MRI then things would really be falling into place. I do feel like I am managing things better on a day to day basis. I do feel like I am making progress, however slow.
So, I’m going to keep counting my blessings, and taking one step at a time. I’ve still got a few things to unpack and organise from my Nana’s and three kids to look after, so that should keep me busy! Cuddles from Daughter Number Two help alot too!
My Son Number One is fifteen years old today. It hardly seems possible. I’m sure it was only yesterday I was seventeen myself? Son Number One towers over me and wears men’s size 12 shoes. He looks even older than the fifteen years old he is. Each day is a struggle for him as he faces life with diagnoses of Asperger’s Syndrome, epilepsy that has been uncontrolled for over two years now and ADHD. Son Number One looks like a young man but still needs to grow into his body. It can be difficult when others expect more of him than he is capable of. It can be difficult when he is aware he is different to others his age. For his birthday he has asked me to make him a red lego brick cake. I have given it my best shot and will let you know his reaction in a later post.
Number One Son is now older than his elder sister was when she died. This time six years ago Daughter Number One was helping me decorate a Thomas the Tank Engine cake for his birthday. Ten days later she died. As hard as I try I can’t shake that association.
My head is aching and once again I have to marvel at fate’s perverse sense of humour. We awoke to wild weather. I packed the boys off to school and bravely set out with my newly two year old to tackle last minute birthday tasks. By 9.45am I’d been informed the schools were closing, so I had to drop everything, take a taxi trip to two schools, pick up two boys and then go back to the shopping centre to continue with what needed to be done.
I was very disappointed for Son Number One as I’d organised a pizza party for his class to celebrate his birthday which naturally had to be postponed. He seemed to take it in his stride but it still sucked. I managed to drop and lose $30 in my travels which also sucked.
Anyhow, we finished everything that needed to be done and headed for the safety of home. Within half an hour of walking in the door the phone rang. It was a friend of Son Number Two, a rather unfortunate boy to whom I have an almost allergic reaction. He wanted to come over and play. HELL NO! I know my limits and this would have pushed me over the edge. No sooner had I hung up than another of Son Number Two’s friends was at the door wanting to come over. I succumbed to what was seeming like the inevitable, and as this boy is quiet and low maintenance definitely the lesser or two evils. I then lamented my obvious stupidity in not having thought to pack my kids off to friends house’s.
I am now finishing this post the next day as the electricty kept going on and off yesterday. After the forth time I admitted defeat. We have awoken today to grey skies with sunshine peeping through. The massive winds have stilled. I fell asleep to howling winds and lashing rain. The house sounded like it might blow away and I was hoping my windows would hold. I woke in the early hours of the morning and was actually disorientated by the quiet. The schools are again closed today, because there is much to clean up.
My head is still aching and after another night of nightmares I am fairly shattered. This has been such a busy week and I have felt overwhelmed. The constant low grade headache is a fairly sure sign I am overloaded. The rain has started to fall again and the sun is back in hiding.
As I said the electricity was patchy last night. I am hugely grateful we didn’t lose it completely!! Because of the weather the local pizza place was not doing deliveries. As I don’t drive this meant no pizza for the birthday boy at all!! We made the best of it though and I think he still had a good day. Oh! And he loved his cake!