If Disneyland is the happiest place on earth then the place I spent two hours in today is surely the anti-Disneyland! The queues are still long, it is just as busy, the ride can have your heart in your mouth but the fun factor is zero. Today I took the first step on a road I don’t want to go down but the only alternative was to do nothing and a step in any direction gets you further than standing still. 

A friend wrote some kind words on my What Kate Did Next facebook page last night and I’ve had lots of lovely messages from friends today. I really am blessed. Ed, who writes at The Infinite Fountain ended his latest post with this sentence “But this much is clear, we cannot do this alone.” I do not pretend to speak for anyone else but I could not do this alone. 

Since starting my What Kate Did Next facebook page the views here have increased. Thank you for letting me know that you are out there and that even if you cannot always agree with me or understand, you are hearing me. As I’ve said and really cannot say enough I am lucky to have amazing friends. The Love of My Life was by my side today and I am more than lucky to have him in my life. 

I truly am a lover not a fighter but I’ll fight for those I love. And I am not fighting the good fight alone. 

Travel safe x 


Blackbird Singing in the Dead of Night.

The nurses sound like startled chickens. Someone has moved patients and bed numbers on the board. The emergency waiting room is over flowing and beds beyond the veil (Ha. I wish.) are at max capacity. I must have stopped by out of peak hours.

A nurse from the ward came down
to tell me that they hoped there would be a bed for me today. Me too. Unfortunately, his name, which he was at pains to repeat so I could take it in, was the same as my Daughter’s murderer. Trigger. Grief and loss – Trigger. Powerlessness – Trigger. Trigger, trigger, trigger, trigger and neither a shotgun nor Roy Rogers in sight. Hardly seems fair really. But life isn’t, is it? It is just degrees of unfair.

I spoke to Son Number One this morning and he was genuinely sorry for me when I told him what has happened. This young man who is meant to lack in empathy. I expect if Baby Daddy ever gets around to letting Son Number One see Daughter Number Two again Son Number One will tell Baby Daddy about my change of circumstances. The pleasure he will get from the news will be equal to my despair and the gloating and crowing that will ensue really does not bear thinking about. So much to look forward to.

I am mostly left to my own devices. They have real sick people here. At night, when it’s quiet, I’ve taken to having a quick stroll around the bowels of the hospital. No one challenges me, lending weight to my theory that I am but a phantom. Hospitals, schools, they have a whole other vibe at night. You can still feel the echoes of the daytime bustle, a certain electricity remains despite the stillness.

The day is broken up with meals and medications. Breakfast around 7am, lunch between 1.30pm – 2pm, dinner by 7pm. The gorgeous male doctor who checked me in told me to focus on little things, to eat the meals and I do, because there is little else to pass the time.

This time last week I had a home. Now, I could not be more alone.

Blackbird has Spoken.

After a medicated, fitful sleep it is morning. According to my phone at least, because I’d have no real way of knowing. There are no windows near me and the fluorescent lighting has been on all night in this climate controlled cocoon. It is a stark contrast to yesterday; waking up to kookaburra calls, the room already warmed by a barely risen sun. Yesterday though there was the reality of having to pack up and move on and a child who was counting on me. Today, I lie here listening to nurses talking in their varied accents; swapping shifts and strategies for dealing with night shifts. One of the things I love about this place are the number of UK accents you hear.

At some stage I’m going to have to try to think of a way forward, and yesterday brought more options than before but for now, with my head full of nightmares, it is beyond me. It’s worth a mention though that this is the best diet I have ever been on. Hardcore heartache. Every cloud…..

Again, to my very special friends, my thanks and appreciation know no bounds.

The Girl with Kaleidoscope Eyes.

It’s been a Salvador Dali kind of day. I met an Asian doctor with an Irish lilt. I ate mashed potato for the first time in over a year. The world continues to spin around me as I come to a standstill.

Son Number Two is safe and sound and I have the luxury of falling apart. The enormity of the loss is overwhelming and i clutch the familiar scented pillow case so I can breathe it in. My whole body aches as though I have been pummeled with fists and a dull heaviness settles in my chest.

My friends are so loving and I feel so undeserving. All roads lead to Rome but when Rome burns will I rise like a Phoenix? Buggered if I know dear readers, but when I do, so will you.

Smile Though Your Heart is Breaking

So, on the plus side I know where I’m getting married! Ha ha ha ha! Ah, I kill me! Mmmmm….

Seriously though, in my head I am in a very bad place but outside my head I am in one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been. There are kangaroos hopping about outside and koalas up the road and all sorts of other wildlife and I might be able to enjoy it were it not for the fact I am so so lost.

It is very isolated though. Like ‘The Shining’ kind of a vibe. I don’t exactly know how I’m getting Son Number Two to school tomorrow and I need to get some things at the shops which will involve some ingenuity and quite a lot of hiking I expect. But I can’t hang out here forever and if I’m to get Son Number Two sorted I need to access civilization and get him to school. Because I did not realize how isolated we’d be I didn’t bring provisions. As a consequence we are dining in a gorgeous restaurant. If I have nothing else I still have the illusion of class. (Ha.) For tonight we eat like kings!

Within two minutes of arriving I had a lady sidle up to me and ask if I was with the Domestic Violence people. Yep, that’s how bad I look. She and her son, who is hearing impaired, had travelled here from interstate with her boyfriend who promptly assaulted her and abandoned her with the boy and two much loved dogs that are now likely to be put down. She just wants to go back where she came from. That perked me up no end. No, not really. What a world we live in.

The physiology still fascinates me. Naturally I have the shakes and am dizzy and unsteady on my feet, which makes moving a bit of a challenge. I still feel distant from everything and I can’t think because every time I do it means I cannot breathe. Which would be fine with me were it not for Son Number Two.

Good times, Interwebs, good times.