Warning: Sexual references. Dedicated to all the lovers x
Let’s talk about sex, baby! Well, that’s what I’ve been doing for the last couple of weeks anyway, talking about sex and relationships, and it’s been illuminating for me in terms of clarifying my own thoughts and feelings on this subject. In the last few weeks I have seen couples separate, face medical emergencies together and had conversations with friends about how challenging relationships can be.
To be clear, I like sex. From what I have gleaned in my travels my sexual appetite is quite healthy. That’s not something I take lightly or for granted. After my Daughter Number One died it took me a very long time before my feelings and thoughts about sex and about my sexuality as a woman were healthy and it was something I had to work really hard at. It just wasn’t something else I was willing to let her murderer take away from me. As a bonus, despite the fact I am female (tongue firmly in cheek) I am able to look at the act of sex purely intellectually and separate it from emotion. The thing is, I don’t want to. Because as someone said to me recently “Anyone can do that to you!” and much less eloquently “a shag is a shag” and yes, he was absolutely correct. If we are talking mechanics then I don’t even have to involve anyone else and their wants, needs and preferences. If you are only talking about the end game then I don’t need anyone’s help to get there, I could be totally just about my own desires and well able to fulfil them.
Except that’s so not who I am or what I am about.
As I said, I like sex. It’s fun. It’s definitely an important part of an intimate relationship for me but it’s so not the only part, because my physical body is not the only part of me, nor of anyone I’ve ever gotten pleasure from knowing. Would I miss it if it wasn’t there? Sure! But I’m beyond just having sex for the sake of it.
I read an article recently that talked about what would be worse than your partner having sex with someone else. The article named withholding attention, withholding trust and withholding intimacy (not just the physical) as bigger mistakes and all three are definitely corrosive as fuck to any relationship. I liked the article and couldn’t agree more with all that it said, but let’s be clear, the physical act in a cheating scenario is never the first step the unfaithful party has taken away from their partner. In reality you can conduct an entire affair and never even meet the person you are pouring everything you are taking from your partner into. You don’t have to have sex to cheat, but if you do have sex with someone who isn’t the person who believes you are committed to them then you have already been withholding attention, withholding trust and withholding intimacy from your partner anyway, because, all joking aside, no one’s penis accidentally falls into a random vagina one day without some preparatory legwork (and yep, I’m aware women cheat too. And that’s not an accident either. Just a great whopping, hideous, disgusting,vicious betrayal.) For me, sex in a loving relationship – actual love making – beats sex with random bodies hands down. Being with someone you love and trust and with whom you are connecting with on more than a physical level – intellectual, spiritual, emotional – and with whom you can let down your all your guards to fully explore each other has to be a better deal. Someone who knows how to touch you, and where, and when. Someone who thrills at knowing these things because you are the body they most want to be touching and someone for whom your pleasure is as important as their own. Someone who has seen you at your absolute worst and still thinks the fucking sun shines out of you. It’s the difference between fast food and fine dining and at this point in my life I am a fucking connoisseur, people! I was watching The Last Patrol recently and the guys in it were talking about what women want and one said ‘Closeness’ and, although I can’t speak for all women, that’s definitely what I want. Closeness, connection. And for me that isn’t just a physical thing. In fact sometimes sex is a far less intimate experience that just holding someone’s hand.
I want it all. And why shouldn’t I? That is what I am prepared to give. I want to be adored and cherished and savoured and treasured. In every way, not just physically. It’s what I deserve. It’s what we all deserve.
Life is short my friends. Too short to settle for less than you deserve. And if you aren’t going to take my word for it then maybe you’ll listen to Liam Neeson, who made this beautiful statement at the end of January about his late wife Natasha Richardson (who died five years ago at age 45, following a ski accident in Canada);
“They say the hardest thing in the world is losing someone you love.
“Someone you grew old with and watched grow every day. Someone who showed you how to love. It’s the worst thing to ever happen to anyone.
“My wife died unexpectedly. She brought me so much joy.
“She was my everything. Those 16 years of being her husband taught me how to love unconditionally.
“We have to stop and be thankful for our spouses. Because life is very short.
“Spend time with your spouses. Treat them well. Because, one day, when you look up from your phone, they won’t be there anymore.
“What I truly learned most of all is, live and love every day like it’s your last.
“Because one day it will be. Take chances and go and live life. Tell the ones you love, that you love them every day. Don’t take any moment for granted.
“Life is worth living.”
See that? “She was my everything”. Sex by itself doesn’t even come close to that.
I want it all.
Live, laugh, love x