The thing of it is, I lean towards seeing the good in people. Always. I can’t pretend I always find it but I always try. It’s a conscious choice, to ensure my life is not about fear and bitterness and detachment. It is harder for me, at times, to see the good in myself. I am harsher on myself than on others.
In our lives people see us from their own perspectives and oftentimes see a certain side of us depending on where they view us from. They see us coloured by their own knowledge and experiences and values. From birth we are defined and in some ways we are limited by those definitions; both the ones others place on us and those we place on ourselves.
Undoubtably, my Daughter’s murder has been the most defining event of my life. Victim, survivor, guilty, strong, failure, mourner, damaged. Different. Marked. My life falls into before and after. But still life goes on.
I am so tired. So tired of the judgement. In truth I am my harshest critic and believe me when I tell you that nothing you can throw at me can compete with the voice in my head in my darkest hours. But you do wear me down. I have spent twelve years now trying to regain a sense of who I am and it is unfair and just not right that you keep beating me to the ground and then complaining I am too slow to get up. Always looking for the very worst and if you don’t find it well. then you make it up because you have seen me at my weakest and you know how to hit me where it hurts. But don’t kid yourself that this makes you the better man. Because you have a choice. You are choosing to see what you want to see. But that isn’t really me. And what does it say about you?
On the days that the overwhelming oppression of your opportunistic exploitation wounds me, on the days I cannot drown out the pain and the self loathing, I seek solace in the people who choose to actually know me. On the days when I feel lost to myself I choose to see myself through the eyes of the people who love me.
Including my Daughter Number One and all of my children, the ones who love me ultimately define me. Because they are the very best of me. And that I can believe.