I am sitting in an airport with Son Number Two and it is the most at home I have felt in months. Yesterday marked twelve years since Daughter Number One died. It is beyond comprehension and although I acknowledge it must be so, given the date and the year, my mind baulks each time it registers. Because HOW? How is it possible that you can live twelve years after your daughter is murdered? There’s nothing about that that makes sense. So I stop trying.
This morning I had a message from my friend. The same dear friend that kept answering her phone each and every time I called her during that long dark night twelve years ago. I called her many times and she always answered. I am so lucky to have friends who always answer. This morning my friend’s message asked ‘Have you heard the news about Daughter Number One’s father?’ and I said no, so she rang me.
I think I knew before she spoke, what she was going to say before she said it. He is dead. Has died this past weekend. Killed himself.
The last time I spoke to him was our Daughter’s funeral. He was there with his wife and three young sons. After she died we had nothing left in common, out of the little we had in common to begin with. He introduced me to Led Zepplin and we listened to Dire Straits and Madonna. He was the husband in my child bride marriage, my first boyfriend, my first lover. He was the father of my daughter. He leaves behind three young sons and I can’t even deal with the crushing sadness of it.
In one of his finer moments, of which he had a few, Baby Daddy once said to me ‘I don’t know what is wrong with you Kate! Two of the people you’ve been with have killed themselves and all they had in common is you!’. When I relayed this to Son Number Two today he said ‘That is as stupid as saying they were both human beings and all they had in common was you’ and I know it was an empty statement made by a small man. But still, but still….
The guilt claws at me and I cannot get rid of it anymore than Lady Macbeth could feel she’d removed the blood from her hands.
So I’m at an airport, because I have friends who always answer. Son Number Two is watching me walk into the Men’s toilet without telling me because it’s funny and he could use a laugh. And there’s a full moon tonight.
Love each other x