No safe place to run to. No home to go to. Well, doesn’t this just suck.
The pace has slowed this morning and as a consequence the emotions of the past few days, the last month, the last ten years are hitting me with force. Ok, life, you win. Just ease up now, hey? Because, for real, I’m over it.
Yesterday morning, hours after getting the phone call informing me my Nana had died, I went to her room at the Aged Care facility. I saw my Nana, who looked less distorted than the night before. I’m not sure if peaceful is accurate, because that suggests the presence of something and it was more an absence. No struggle, no effort, no life. I was able to take photo’s yesterday.
Then I packed what was left of my Nana’s life into a few bags. I took down all the photo’s of Nana and my sister and her family and my children. I bagged the clothes we will donate to a charity. Text messaging back and forth to my sister we chose a final outfit for our Nana. And then, as the funeral director arrived to collect Nana, I left.
I returned to my friend’s home and waited for Son Number Two to wake up. I organized for Son Number One to come up. I contacted Baby Daddy so Daughter Number Two could join us. And I spent some time with my children.
Son Number One has grown since I’ve been gone. He is a giant. Physically he is a man and a big man. I am of average height and completely dwarfed by him. He is huge. I am still shocked.
My beautiful Princess, Daughter Number Two, is well. She is as we left her but older. She is as loving and as happy to see us as she ever was. She is just as funny. I bought her an animated stuffed toy, a lamb that dances and sings ‘Mary had a little lamb’; I suggested she may like to use her karaoke machine with microphone to sing along with Lamby. I am evil to my core.
After Baby Daddy picked up Daughter Number Two and Lamby we drove Son Number One back to his new home. He had only moved in the Monday before. It is a brand new two bedroom home in a small town. There is a balcony off the lounge room and on the other side of the balcony are paddocks. Green as far as the eye can see, lush thanks to the tropical climate. The paddocks are home to four horses and they come up close to Son Number One’s balcony sometimes. He is proud of his new home. It is amazing for him. If I had stayed here, Son Number One would not be where he is or have what he has.
As hard as some things still are I know that for all of us I made the right decision. I am back here but I am not home.
Valuable knowledge to have.