Easter. Originally a fertility festival – hence the eggs and rabbits. Symbolizing new life.

As a back drop to chocolate eggs and foil covered bunnies is the concern that my Nana may actually die before I go over for my intended visit in two weeks. She has deteriorated since yesterday and though I no longer have access to my favourite medical professional I am sure enough that being on morphine and nursed in bed are not positive signs.

I knew when I left that I may never be able to hug Nana again. More than most I know that life turns in an instant and with Nana’s advanced years there was every chance that I was spending time with her for the last time. The place my sister and I found for Nana is of a high standard and she has excellent care. No, it is not the same as having your family around you but my Nana has lived her life and at times made tough choices to do so and there would be no condemnation from her. It is just internal. That woman thing of being not enough, not able to be all things to all people all of the time.

It does seem cruel though to get close enough to seeing her that I am looking forward to it and envisioning myself and my children with Nana and hoping against hope that someone will be able to lend me a camera and receiving a phone call this morning to tell me it’s only a matter or time, they just can’t say how much time. It could be tomorrow or two weeks from now.

Why are there never easy choices? Just varying levels of hard?

Live, laugh, love. x

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