Despite the fact Taylor Swift makes a living from her break ups it seems not every one is a fan of the genre. To be fair, these are people who care for me and it is possible they don’t enjoy my pain. However, this is where I write. It is how I process things. Although I get a buzz from the whole ‘If you write it, they will come’ thing, primarily I write for myself. Because words are a passion and because I can’t not write. So, even if no one followed this blog, no one liked my posts, no one came to read my words, I would still write.
At the moment I am hurting. There are many layers to my pain. I have lost a relationship that was unlike any I’ve ever known, with the knowledge I will never find that again. I have lost my home. I have lost all that is beautiful and meaningful associated with it.
More than that, it is another situation entirely out of my control. It is another huge loss in a lifetime of losses. It is pushing my PTSD buttons like you wouldn’t believe because of certain similarities. Again, I have lost my bearings. It hurts. It really, really hurts more than should be possible for someone to survive.
So, if my pain is something you aren’t comfortable with then, with respect, you have the right not to read what I write. I don’t have that luxury, I can’t not feel it, but you do. And then you won’t know that due to particular circumstances it feels like this is just another thing in a never ending list of things that my Daughter’s murderer has taken from me.
You won’t hear that after ten years it still feels like he got away scot free while I am left to pay the piper over and over and over again. You won’t know that as well as being hurt and sad and feeling powerless and hopeless I am also just so ANGRY. Because it isn’t fair. It is patently, foot stampingly unfair. I feel trapped, which also doesn’t make me happy.
But I am working on it. I’m doing what I need to do to get on with things. Tying up loose ends. One step at a time. And it may not be the way you’d do it and you have the right to your opinion, but I’m doing what I can. I am moving on, not because I want to, but because I have to. Because you can’t stand still. I just can’t say I’m loving it all of the time. Because it hurts. Like you wouldn’t believe. And it’s only been three and a bit weeks. I don’t think time heals all wounds, but you do learn to live with stuff, because you have to.
I appreciate the love and support and concern that’s been thrown my way. You guys are the best x