One of the worst things, always, about leaving you was the complete, cold turkey, sensory deprivation. The pure joy of the sound of your voice, in speech or in song, gone. A novelty that never wore off. I am grounded and soothed by your body under my finger tips and lips no longer. The different and intoxicating scents of you; freshly showered or at the end of a day. Looking across the room and seeing you there. The taste of you. All of it gone in the blink of a tear filled eye.

When I close my eyes I can still see you, every inch of your body. I can still feel your back under my fingernails, your calloused feet in my hands. But you are gone and I am left with an emptiness nothing will ever fill.

It is less than a week ago that we dropped your Daughter at her school, on the day that would have been my Daughter Number One’s 24th birthday. While stopped at the traffic lights on our way home you reached out your fingers to stroke the hair from my cheek. You brushed my cheek with your fingers several times and placed my hair gently behind my ear. Less than a week ago I had everything and now all is lost.

It hurts so much.


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