(This post is dedicated to my beautiful True, with all my love)
“The truth shall set you free.”
“I see your true colours.”
“We hold these truths to be self evident.”
“The Truth is out there”
On her blog ‘Edenland’, Eden says ‘I’ll show you my Universal Truth if you show me yours”.
So, let’s hear some home truths.
The Incredible Hunk asked me the other day how far along in the grieving process I was. The truth? About nine and a half years along, thanks. Grief is a process with stages, so I’ve heard. But I don’t think my Daughter’s death is something I will ever ‘accept’. It is, and will always be, unacceptable. It just is. And some days are diamonds, some days are stones.
That being said these days I am doing o.k., if I do say so myself. I am more myself now than I have been at probably any time in my life. That’s not a bad thing. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger so they say – such bullshit – but I am forever altered by my Daughter’s death and not only in negative ways. I take more chances. I know life is short and I make the most of it. I think outside the square more; my benchmarks and boundaries are different from other peoples. I know what is important, at the end of the day – to me, I don’t pretend to speak for anyone else. When the very worst has happened and you know that nothing could ever be that bad again it is somewhat liberating (see: I take more chances). I walk on the edge and I’m not afraid to fall. I’m a good listener. I love with my whole heart. I am who I am and I’m fine with that.
I am one of the most accepting and tolerant people you will ever meet. I can’t be bothered fucking around judging people. Because, let’s be honest, who has the time, energy or inclination to waste? As it turns out, lots of people. Several times in the last week people have tried to tell me what I should be doing and how I should be living my life. Quite forcefully on personal and sensitive issues. A friend said “How about they walk a mile in your shoes? ” but you know what guys? I don’t WANT anyone to walk in my shoes; ever. But I don’t want anyone to pretend they can either, because you know what? YOU CAN’T. If you think you know? – YOU DON’T. If you think you understand? – YOU CAN’T. If you think you could do better if you were me? – WELL, AREN’T YOU FUCKING LUCKY YOU WILL NEVER, EVER, HAVE TO BE ME, AND WALK THE ROAD I’VE WALKED, AND AM WALKING STILL. Instead of trying to trip me up and make my journey harder JUST FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE.
I’ve no harsher judge than myself anyway, and at the end of the day I answer only to my children and those who love me.
To thine ownself be true. Now, THAT’S the truth.