Fresh Horses time, via Edenland, for this week. If someone feels generous a quick tutorial, in the comments, on how to add the Fresh Horses button would be much appreciated.
So, one thing I really love about Eden’s writing is that it is always, without fail, thought provoking. I’ve enjoyed rising to the Fresh Horses challenge the last couple of weeks. Yesterday though, would have been my Daughter Number One’s 23rd birthday. Would have been if she hadn’t been raped and murdered almost 9 years ago. And Eden’s meme this week was ‘I’m sorry’.
Fuck, where would I start?
I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you. I’m sorry you never flew in plane. I’m sorry you didn’t get to study at NIDA. I’m sorry, so so sorry, for the horrific assaults you suffered, that stole not only your childhood but the rest of your life. I’m sorry for the violent, fear filled way that you left this world. I’m sorry that I didn’t know. I’m sorry that you couldn’t tell me. I’m sorry I’ll never know your children or dance at your wedding. I’m sorry that your baby sister will only ever know you as a photo on the wall. I’m so sorry, so sorry, so sorry each and every minute of each and every day.
To my Son Number One; I’m sorry that the broken me couldn’t be the mother/carer that you need. I’m sorry that I couldn’t keep us all together. I’m sorry that finding a place where I could breathe means putting geographical distance between us.
For Son Number Two; I’m sorry that because you were the child with the least pressing needs that you’ve had the least of me. I’m sorry that it is only now, when you are almost 14, that your needs are being given priority. I’m sorry for not having heard you or noticed you sooner.
For Daughter Number Two, my baby girl; I’m sorry I couldn’t be your every day Mummy in a place that was suffocating me. I’m sorry that the only way I can keep being your Mummy at all is to live so far away from you. I’m sorry your Daddy wouldn’t let you come with me. I’m sorry that you’ve only ever known the broken me.
For all of my children; I am sorry that my best has been so far from good enough.
There’s lots more, but these are the things I am sorry for the most.