My name is Kate and I’m in recovery. Just as an aside, when I googled ‘recovery’ while thinking about this post the first thing that came up was Eminem’s last album. Very cool. It made me smile and I needed that.
But I digress…..
I wrote my poem in the last post as a reminder to myself not to let fear get the better of me. But recovery is a process, isn’t it? Sometimes a one step forward, two steps back type of thing. It is not as if fear disappears completely. I just don’t want to be on as intimate terms with it as I have been. I don’t want it to be the boss of me. It is hard though. The fear that is bourne out of pain and loss, when you know the very worst does happen and monsters really do exist.
I started this post yesterday and accidentally hit publish before I was finished it. Today, I was revisiting it when Lori’s post came up. Everything she speaks is so familiar to me; I ache for her. That’s where my fear comes from. I chose life, after so long just existing and I keep choosing it day after day. And now I am at stage where I am actually living again and things are good, better than they have been for so very long, in some respects better than they ever have been in my life. After eight and a half years I am fully invested in my life again. Boy, am I invested. I’ve bet the farm on this one. This is my last stand.
Because I really couldn’t start again. I really could not claw my way upright another time. I don’t have it in me. This is taking everything I’ve got; this time, this chance, this leap. To have made it to a place where I am able to feel peace, only to lose it again, would be worse than never having gotten here at all, and I couldn’t bear it. The fear comes from that. Fear of further loss. Fear of showing Son Number Two a land of opportunity only to lose it for him. Fear of hurting people I care about because I’m a bit more broken than most.
I’ve accepted that which I cannot change and I’ve changed what I can. Fear is disempowering and paralyzing and not compatible with the life I want to lead. I need to be able to stare that bitch down.
Safe onward travel everyone.