I’m linking to Edenland’s FRESH HORSES today.
I can not be in two places at once. That has been the theme of the week for me. Things are exceeding expectations for Son Number Two and me in our new home. Things are good. To be here, though, means to be apart from two of my children. It is not easy.
I spoke to Daughter Number Two early in the week and for a change we had a good chat. At four and a half getting her to speak to me on the phone can sometimes be a challenge. Sometimes it just doesn’t happen at all. So, a nice long chat is a bit of a novelty. Since Baby Daddy says he has no access to internet at present and since I’ve had not one photo of Daughter Number Two in the months she has lived with him the telephone provides my only real access to her. She was telling me about things she’d been doing, about a music box she got for Christmas, chatting and laughing away and it hit me like a sledge-hammer, how much I missed her. I barely managed to still my sobs until she said goodbye, and by the time Baby Daddy came back on the line I was a complete mess. I cannot be in two places at once.
My Nana had a fall at her nursing home that required a few days hospital treatment. It felt horrible to have the early morning missed call on my phone and return it to hear she was in hospital. Thankfully after a few days she was released, but she had no visitors and love came from a distance. My Nana, I have no doubt, would not want me to have remained where I was only out of obligation to her. The Nana I knew and loved would have encouraged me to live my life. It was hard to say goodbye to her knowing that it may be the last time I ever hug her. When she had the fall I felt guilty and useless being so far away. I cannot be in two places at once.
I am looking towards going to see Son Number One and Daughter Number Two in the next few months. And Nana and my friends as well. I miss them so much, but the thought of going back there fills me with dread. The last few times I went back there from here, without exaggeration, almost killed me. I know it will be different, to be visiting, and to have home to come to but still I feel uneasy. I am good here. I am safe and I am happy and my days are full of laughter. I am a me here that I can live with and I don’t want to go back to who I was. I miss my children, my Nana and my friends but I don’t want to leave here and go there. I cannot be in two places at once.
Each day I struggle with the default settings of fear and sadness. I don’t miss my Daughter Number One or the two children who live apart from me, or my Nana or friends, any less, but the happiness I feel gets eroded by sadness and fear. I can’t keep stepping into my future with one foot still in the quicksand of my past, sucking me down. It is not about forgetting but it is about letting go. Not of good memories and love, but of the pain and patterns that kept me stuck for so long. Every step I have taken has led me here, and here is a good place to be. I need to let myself be here, where I need to be. I cannot be in two places at once.