If you believe.

For those of you who’ve been checking in, in my absence, thank you for hanging in with me. My internet access has been occasional at best for a while but I hope that regular programming will resume shortly. It better, because withdrawal is a bitch. Still, I’m here now so best make the most of it.

2012 has arrived. How trippy is that? Remember partying like it was 1999 ’cause it actually was? That was twelve years ago. We had the tenth anniversary of 9/11 last year. Ten years ago. Far out.

On a personal level last year was a huge year for me. Part of me is still amazed at how far I’ve come both geographically and in terms of growth. A small part of me whispers ‘Holy shit, you actually did it’ and although there is still lots to be done I am more alive than I’ve been for so very long. More than that is the peace, the contentment at my very core. It reminds me of the Emily Dickinson poem;

It Ceased to Hurt Me, Though So Slow…

It ceased to hurt me, though so slow
I could not feel the Anguish go—
But only knew by looking back—
That something—had benumbed the Track—

Nor when it altered, I could say,
For I had worn it, every day,
As constant as the Childish frock—
I hung upon the Peg, at night.

But not the Grief—that nestled close
As needles—ladies softly press
To Cushions Cheeks—
To keep their place—

Nor what consoled it, I could trace—
Except, whereas ’twas Wilderness—
It’s better—almost Peace—

And I guess that’s the crux of it. I feel like I am out of the wilderness. There’s no magic wand. I expect things will always be a challenge. I will always miss my Daughter Number One and grieve for the life she should have had even while simultaneously being grateful for every second that we shared. That I now live apart from two of my children is not how things would be in a perfect world but the opportunities that I am giving Son Number Two and myself  and the fact that all my children are happy and doing well is more than I could have hoped for. A friend advises that you should only bet when you can guarantee you will win. On a sure thing. I think you may as well bet when you have nothing to lose. I took a chance on myself and so far, so good. 

May 2012 bring you all that you wish for, and health and happiness for everyone you hold dear. Thanks for visiting. I hope you stick around to see what happens next. I’m looking forward to finding out myself.

Safe travels, all of you.

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