It’s cold, and it’s wet. I love winter, much prefer it to summer, with the rationale that you can always get warm but it’s harder to cool down. Well, not this winter. This winter I just cannot seem to get warm and my hands, in particular, are like little ice blocks constantly. There is some fun to be had by sticking them down the backs of the kids t-shirts but even that’s lost its shine a bit.

The school holidays are drawing to a close and I am one of those ungrateful parents who is breathing a sigh of relief as I see the end in sight. I know I should be counting my blessings for each and every moment spent with my children but the reality is that I was exhausted at the beginning of these holidays and remain so. The boys had a paediatrician’s appointment yesterday, just a regular check up thing. Son Number One now stands at 201.5cms and weighs 96.5kgs. This wasn’t a surprise but it still is a bit of a shock to hear it in numbers.

So, imagine if you will this huge young man, who in some respects functions at about six-year-old level. Add an almost 13y.o. resentful, impatient, frustrated second young man. Then, for a bit of fun, mix in an extremely intelligent 4-year-old girl. After observing Son Number One and Daughter Number Two yesterday the good Doctor mused that they interacted as peers. This is mostly so. Son Number Two is all adolescent boy with little time for a preschool aged sister or an older brother he has eclipsed in most areas, except physical size. It is a volatile mix, and most of my time over the last couple of weeks has been spent trying unsuccessfully to keep the peace. The good Doctor noted that hypervigilance is exhausting. Quite. For all of us. Which is another reason why Baby Daddy choosing to spend so little time with Daughter Number Two in the holidays irritates me, because she does not even get the break of preschool at the moment and some quiet, one on one time with her Dad would have been really good for her. Son Number Two has been at a Vacation Care program with a friend for the last few days, so at least that has provided some breathing space for him.

The good Doctor was wholehearted bordering on enthusiastic in his support of my plans for the future. He will write a letter of support for Son Number One’s accomodation application. It is interesting to note that none of the people that we work with have had any difficulty understanding where I am coming from. I expect to some I will come off as a cold hearted and neglectful bitch, particularly having already had Daughter Number One die. On the contrary, it is because of that things are so clear to me. When you have had the very worst thing happen it throws everything into stark relief. Choices I am making now will not be the worst thing that could ever happen to my children, or to me. I’m not saying it will be easy, but things aren’t easy now and haven’t been for so very long. So, I will look ahead to the greater good for all of us. What other people think really can’t concern me. At the end of the day I will have to answer to my children and myself.

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