So, I wake up this morning and the world’s still turning, the whole Rapture deal a bit of a non-event it seems. What a let down. Not that I expected any divine entity to be calling me home, but hey, the end of the world sounded promising. It’s been a long week. Lots of crazy running around and two birthday’s to organise. Daughter Number Two’s birthday is the day before Son Number One’s which turns the whole 48hrs into an endurance test for me. Pulling everything together so they both have great days; cake and school celebrations and presents they like. Trying not to lose it in the meantime.
Each year Son Number One’s birthday marks ten days ’til the anniversary of Daughter Number One’s death. Each year I am reminded that this time, so many years ago, I was decorating his Thomas the Tank Engine cake with her by my side, my right hand girl. Each year, even though I know how it ends, there’s the whisper ‘This time, so many years ago, she was still alive’, like if I can just find a way to change things, if I do something differently, maybe I can save her. Except I can’t, because it’s done, and she’s gone. By the time this time of year rolls around I’m holding onto myself pretty tightly. It helps to have a focal point outside my head. I’ve got some time to myself soon, where I can just be, and if I just keep taking one breath after another for the next week then I’ll get a plane ride and a change of scenery to help me along.
I heard that a friend of mine is currently in gaol. Well, someone I was extremely close to once upon a time. We haven’t really been friends for over a decade, but he was a significant part of a significant time in my life and to know he is in gaol, to imagine what he and his family are going though, makes me sad. And I never would have thought, when we were all so young, when we were so alive, before life knocked the stuffing out of us, that either of us would be where we are today. But here we are.