I love it when a plan comes together. My respite care for Son Number One and Son Number Two in a few weeks is locked in, and Baby Daddy has manned up and said he’ll take care of Daughter Number Two for the same period. This is good. My end of May trip coincides with the 8th anniversary of Daughter Number One’s death. This year I’ve decided it’s time to scatter the rest of her ashes.
After she died, as with everything else I was left with, I realised there was no rule book to follow. I’ve always been pro cremation, and knew that to be the case for Daughter Number One as well. It wasn’t like there was actually a decision to make in that regard. Being entombed in a vehicle that hurtled into a stone cliff face and burst into flames meant that the crematorium was only really finishing the job anyway. There was no donating of organs at her request, no lovingly choosing a burial outfit, no open casket to view. But what to do with what was left? Everyone has their own way of grieving and for Daughter Number One’s friends in particular I thought it would be good for them to have somewhere to go to remember her, if that’s what they needed. The memorial park where a dear friend’s remains rest is beautiful. It is peaceful there. I knew Daughter Number One had felt the same, we’d been there regularly to pay our respects to my friend. I never believed that any real aspect of my friend actually rested there, aside from what remained of his physical self, which in no way was the essence of him. It just gave me a focal point for my grieving I suppose. So, that’s where I left half of Daughter Number One’s ashes.
Half I took with me, knowing that I would be leaving the area. For six years since that move the ashes have sat in my wardrobe. Unscattered but unforgotten. I think that is telling in itself, that in all the years I’ve lived here I’ve not scattered them yet. So in May I’m taking them with me, to a place that holds no history for me. A place that is the closest I’ve come to finding peace yet. And I’ll let them go, and step into my future.