I haven’t posted for a couple of days. I have hit a bit of a slump and it hasn’t really inspired me to write. But I sort of feel I’ve made some kind of commitment here, even if it is only to myself, so here we go.
The downward trajectory seems to be fueled by the reality that I will have to leave Daughter Number Two for several days in the not too distant future. Just thinking about it is making me anxious. And stressed. Depressed. Nauseous. Exhausted. The usual suspects. Mainly I feel like I am letting my Daughter Number Two down, that by not being able to be in two places at once I am failing her. I am failing in my responsibility to keep her from harm.
That train of thought takes me on an express trip to my feelings of failure, guilt and responsibility around Daughter Number One’s death. All road’s lead to Rome, which is I guess why my psych has been hardlining me about the whole forgive yourself thing. I wonder how many metaphors I can use in one paragraph?
Anywho, as usual I have been fighting the good fight and employing strategies to at least slow the decline. Today I read my favourite blogs and visited my favourite web pages. I pulled myself together enough to do some housework. I spoke to the Current Person of Interest. I’ve been trying not to eat too much crap and attempting to get adequate sleep. But it’s hard, hard , hard, hard, hard!
I finished reading ‘If I Stay’ by Gayle Forman last night. I probably should have left it until I was a bit more emotionally stable but who knows when that might be? Anyhow, it is a compelling and powerful book which like ‘The Lovely Bones’ by Alice Sebold allowed me to hear my Daughter Number One’s voice within it’s pages. Gayle Forman and more about the book can be found at www.gayleforman.com .
That’s it from me for today. Hopefully I’ll be back soon.