Diamonds and Stones

Obviously I haven’t yet cultivated the discipline needed to blog daily. I am battling the grey fog that descends on me at this time of year and feel like writing this blog is a genuine attempt to have some kind of human contact. An attempt that tethers me to outside world but in a managable, gentle, ethereal way. Each day I tell myself this but each day I have been paralyzed by inertia.

But today I am here. I am not promising big things. Just saying I am here. I guess that is a start.

Well, it was a start. A start I made two days ago and didn’t finish. There was more after that but it wasn’t anything you’ll miss. I find it very frustrating feeling this way. It is like I am free falling and can’t seem to get close enough to get a grip on anything, even myself. However, I had a better day yesterday, and although I’m not sure how much I had to do with things I still feel a small sense of achievement. Or maybe it is just satisfaction- whatever! I’ll take it.

Yesterday I found our Nana a place in an aged care facility. This is a good thing. She has Alzheimer’s and things could not continue as they have been. I must say though that having found the place the logistic’s of moving her in are confronting to me.

Even though the actual WORKLOAD will fall to my sister! So all my pondering is quite self indulgent. It is just that we will have to start dismantling my Nana’s life, and while she is physically still with us- if not mentally most of  the time- it feels kind of odd.

There is not much she will be able to take with her into the Aged Care facility. My practical sister counters that with the thought that there is not much Nana needs. This is so true. Nana would wear the same outfit of clothes until the end of time now, because she has no concept of having worn it before. Other possessions that may have once held meaning for her do so no longer, their worth lost in the swirling mists of her mind.

In a way the Alzheimer’s started dismantling Nana’s life awhile ago. Started dismantling her. It is hard for me to watch her go. I know it is inevitable that we will lose those we love- suddenly, slowly, by choice, permanently. The agony and the ecstacy go hand in hand. I think about the people I have loved and feel how lucky I am to have known them. I try to make each moment count because life is short.

Some days are just harder than others. Some days I just go through the motions, put one foot in front of the other and order pizza for dinner.  Some days I manage to finish a blog entry! I guess at the end of each day I can say that I have tried. And I have loved.


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