I am eating a breakfast of left over crumbed steak and potato bake. It is a cool rainy morning and last night’s left overs are warm and comforting. It’s been over a week since I checked in here. I was away from home for a couple of nights but the main delay has been my inability to get a half decent night’s sleep. However, last night I did, so here I am.
It has been an interesting week. My current person of interest is staying with me for awhile. I had been feeling frustrated with the whole long distance thing. Aside from the obvious limitations I had been wondering if the feelings I was having, and also I guess that he was having, were somehow being manufactured by the situation. Was it a case of just wanting what I couldn’t have? Was the intensity of the feelings I was having solely down to the hothouse effect of trying to squeeze everything into the limited interactions available to us? I figured there was one way to find out, and that was to spend some decent time together in my everyday chaotic world.
I’m sure I’ll have more to report on this experiment, but for now I’ll just say it has been lovely for me so far.
Two nights ago I heard a particular noise coming from my little girl’s room that could only mean one thing. Sure enough I opened her door to find her covered in vomit. I picked her up and stripped her of her sleepsuit and nappy and stood her in the hallway while I quickly rolled her bedding into a wet stinky ball and removed it from her cot. While I was doing this she did a huge wee in the middle of the hall. We have tiles, so no big drama, and at that point honestly the least of my worries. Anyway, I scooped her up and put her under a nice warm shower and headed back to her room to collect the bedclothes for washing. Unfortunately I had forgotten the Nile River of wee running down my hallway, which had turned it into a slip’n’slide. Which is what I did. Nothing like sliding along the cold tiles of your hallway at 3am in a puddle of your child’s urine, smelling like their vomit. At this stage I began to laugh hysterically. What else could you do?
Then I got to my feet in my urine soaked nightwear, collected the vomit soaked bedding and made my way to the laundry. If there had been blood involved we would’ve hit the bodily fluid triffecta!!
I went to join little daughter number two in the shower, the first of three we would share that night. The next vomiting episode involved chunks in my hair so you can see it was a very long night and what with one thing and another- you know, life and stuff- it has taken me awhile to recover.
We are also hurtling towards the sixth anniversary of beautiful daughter number one’s death, which is never a good time of year for me. It makes me a bit foggy and prone to withdrawral. It is like this perverse countdown, which I am aware of but can’t seem to stop. A loop in my brain that says ‘This time six years ago she was still alive’, and hints that if only I did/ do something there may still be time to save her. Even when I know there is not because I know how it ends.
Like I said, an interesting week. I hope yours has been too but with less bodily fluids!